Letters to People I Hate

***A few spoiler alerts for summer show finales, deal with it***

Dear producers and writers,

Let me just say that I was going to watch your show next season for sure. You didn’t have to “kill” main characters in the season finale. 

White Collar - I didn’t think you were going to have Neal get shot in his apartment. I figured that chick he was hanging out with was a good guy and you were building the suspense a little heavy handedly, but I wasn’t concerned. Even with the slow motion purse reaching. “OMG! What if she pulls out a gun!?” did not cross my mind. I wasn’t concerned because I thought you were better than that. Then you shot Mozzie. Why? I promise I will tune in next season, I was already going to watch the show. I like the show. I do not like senseless shooting of adorable sidekicks.

Rizzoli & Isles - You shot Rizzoli. Okay, Rizzoli shot herself. In a pretty badass way. It was very Die Hard 4. A little too Die Hard 4 to be honest. Enough sentence fragments. I was going to watch this show too. Miami is sooo over, I’m on to the Boston shows. I really liked this show, I thought it was a girlie cops show but my husband thought it was dark and creepy. I think it can be both and I adore it. I do not adore TWO characters being shot and dying in the finale. That’s right, I didn’t forget about the other Rizzoli you shot. One wasn’t enough, you have to pretend to kill of two characters. Of course the other Rizzoli is the title character’s little brother, he’s kind of an adorable sidekick.

Gossip Girl - Chuck? Really? You shot him in Prague or somewhere protecting the gorgeous engagement ring he bought for Blair. I know this isn’t a recent season finale, it’s from the Spring, but it still irritates me. I like Gossip Girl, don’t love it, it’s more of a guilty pleasure show. But I was planning on watching again. Don’t shoot people.

Here’s why:

We know the main characters you shot won’t die. Maybe they’ll be in the hospital. Maybe other characters will think they are dead and their true feelings will come out. But they won’t die.

Unless it’s Kal Penn going to work in DC. But suicide is different. And that episode sucked.

Prove me wrong and have these people die. Mozzie won’t get found and poor Neal will have another breakdown because everyone he loves is dying. Change Rizzoli & Isles to just Isles. Kate Gosline did it, screw the title character, so long as you have one of them you’re good to go. I already know Chuck lives. I wasn’t worried about him and I’m not worried about the other “fatalities”. It’s a stupid cliffhanger that we all see coming. Stop it.

Sincerely,

Kelly 

Dear Psych producers,

I miss the pineapple.

For the uninitiated Psych is a hilarious show about an observant goof-off who pretends to be a psychic to help the Santa Barbara police solve crimes. While the criminal element isn’t particularly scary or clever, the show is great, with lots of inside jokes and repeating themes. Every episode, along with crazy names for Gus, Shawn lusting after Juliet, and Lassiter drawing his gun, there is a pineapple. Maybe someone was eating one, or offering one as a gift, or using one as a conversation starter. Then you decided to change things.

Suddenly finding the pineapple became a game. You could win stupid prizes by seeing the hidden pineapple in one of the scenes and texting usa network/psych. When did TV become something you have to work for? I loved seeing the pineapple in each episode. Now I have no idea where it is. And it’s hardly a pineapple anymore, you have pineapples on a shirt, or a pineapple statue. I hate it. They don’t even talk about the pineapple anymore. You took away all the fun. I want to sit back and enjoy the show. You removed an inside joke and encouraged people to start stupid websites devoted to pineapple finding.

I don’t want my TV to be interactive. I’m not a toddler watching Blue’s Clues or Dora the Explorer. I’m not going to shout, “Behind you! There’s the pineapple!” I just want to watch a comedy and chuckle a bit. Are producers so desperate for ratings and visits to their shows’ websites they have to make watching the show into a contest? What happened to doing things without a cellphone in your hand or a laptop next to you on the couch? I’m relaxing at the end of the day and thanks to my DVR I rarely watch a show as it’s recording, so even if I do find the pineapple, I doubt I’m getting my prize four days later.

Bring back all the parts of the show I love. What’s next, instead of Shawn giving Gus a nickname there will be a long pause and we have to text in a funny name ourselves? Stop with the interactive crap and give me back my delicious fruit.

Sincerely,

Kelly