Dear pregnant ladies on facebook,
You are gross.
To be fair, I only have one pregnant friend on facebook and she hasn’t done anything bad. Her profile pic is an ultrasound photo, but that is tame compared to the people a friend of mine knows. So I had to say thank you Amy before continuing with my rant.
Back to the gross. Let’s start with that ultrasound photo. It’s the first “picture” of your child, it’s adorable and from it you learned the gender of your baby. Do NOT point out the genitals of this poor unsuspecting fetus to me. If they post shit like that online in twenty years it could be the determining factor in whether or not they get a job. Don’t start now. I usually can’t figure out which white blob is head and which one is ass, but I don’t want a tutorial. I’ll believe that little Billy’s “winky” is somewhere in that picture formed by bouncing sound waves around your uterus. I don’t need a close up.
Please remember the extent of your friending on facebook. You went around clicking on names willy nilly when you first joined, didn’t you? You have a giant list of current friends, college roomates, co-workers, family, and distant friends from as far away as grade school. Those people whose photos you had to triple check and whose hometown you had to take note of before you realized you did indeed sit next to them during lunch in second grade do NOT want to know that you are dilated two centimeters. No one but your doctor wants to know that information.
The belly pics are okay, I give them a pass, but tuck them away somewhere. We want to see your face not your stretch marks when we flip through our news feed. You’re pregnant, it’s a given you will be gaining weight in the belly area. This is something else I can trust you on without a visual update.
So now your pregnancy is over. Hopefully you weren’t like that woman in the Virgin mobile commercial texting and updating during labor. Those commercials are supposed to be an exaggeration of the human experience, not a reflection. Here come the baby facts.
Thanks to facebook, I know that your newborn was having bowel troubles but is currently peeing and pooping with ease. And now I get to see a picture of your baby with a bloody towel over his penis because he JUST GOT CIRCUMCISED. I had an informal look at the inner workings of a hospital a few months ago. I’ve seen a circumcision; it wasn’t pretty. The baby was not pleased, he kicked and fought to get free, and you want to post it on the internet?
Let’s think about that for a moment. Facebook may feel like your own private little corner of safety and camaraderie, but it’s online. These photos and updates are online. Too many people can see them. Make a list of grandparents, aunts, and uncles and email them these photos and overly personal updates. If you must post them online, make a teeny, tiny, preferably private album. If more people request to see photos of your blood covered newborn, add them to the list. We don’t want to see it.
Here’s a quick status check list to sum up:
“I’m pregnant!” - okay
“My vagina is opened up two centimeters and getting ready to spew forth new life!” - not okay
“It’s a boy!” - okay
“Here’s a picture of his penis!” - not okay
“She’s 7 lbs 8 oz and healthy!” - okay
“She was pooping that dark black poop babies have in the beginning but now it’s soft and yellow because I’m breastfeeding!” - not okay
Sincerely,
Jill (And Kelly)
P.S.
Jill just informed me that the circumcision picture is now your profile picture. Blood and profile picture do not go together. What was the thought process leading up to this decision? Was is the answer to your “How will every girl my son ever dates know he doesn’t have a foreskin” question? Take that shit down.
-K
