Letters to People I Hate

Dear readers,

Oh no! Another skipped Sunday letter and a very late Tuesday letter, which isn’t really a letter at all, because I love you guys. Apparently I cannot hate on a schedule. Yes, I tried to write the letters in advance and have them post on the days I promised, but I ran out of people to hate. 

That is only partly true. But the letters are getting redundant. Dumb customers asking to talk to a specific manager, then leaving the store for 30 minutes, and asking all grumpily when they get back, “Well, is she here?” WTF? No, she came over here and then went back to work. You LEFT THE STORE!! Was she supposed to follow you to the Gap? Did you want us to call security and ask them to page you? Because I’m not sure they do that. I’m not sure what they do.

This gets old. Horrible drivers gets old too. Even the guy who stopped in the middle of the road when he saw the hot girls handing out free Monster at a gas station so he could turn right from the middle lane after traffic cleared. 

So what’s an adorably witty blogger to do? This is where you come in. Send me your crappy people stories and I will write them a letter. You can even print it out and mail it to them. I would love to hear any follow up stories on that course of action.

If you send a story (short or long, specific or vague “I hate when…” complaints) I will do my best to write a letter. I will sign it “Sincerely Kelly on behalf of (Your Name)” and I will finally get some new material.

Post in the comments or email letterstopeopleihate@gmail.com

Do it now or else you will have to deal with another dry spell. 

Sincerely,

Kelly

Dear morons trying to turn left,

There were four of you on my way home today. Everyone driving my route home was lucky not to be involved in a head on collision. The first one of you I encountered decided it would be fun to turn left from the lane next to the left turn lane. While a driver was in the left turn lane, turning left. You tried to turn into the left of the two lanes in the cross road and were dismayed to find a car there. Swerving occurred and then we all went on our merry way. I sped past you, worried you might change lanes with no notice and run me off the road.

The next two idiots had separate cars, but were making the same bad choice. The road we were driving on was four lanes, two heading in each direction. You two were driving east while I was driving west. Then you both decided to turn left, a common decision for the night. Unfortunately, you picked the left lane on my side of the road, mistaking it for a middle turn lane. It’s not. It was actually one of the two oncoming traffic lanes. Oncoming as in head on. It is not a left turn lane. There is a left turn lane in the general area, and I can see the second moron blindly following the first, but you are both still idiots. We all had to get in the right lane and drive around you. The people who wanted to use the left turn lane got to make a sharp turn into the actual left turn lane after passing you jackasses.  

The fourth person making a big fail out of a left turn might have been the best. By this time I was driving on a four lane one way road. One block south is a four lane road going in the opposite direction. The neighborhood roads connecting the two are not one way roads. You were in the wrong lane, it seems to be happening a lot today. I’ve been driving before and realized the I’m about to pass the road I wanted to turn down. I try to get over and failing that, go up a block or so and loop around. This is because I have a brain in my head and I like to use it from time to time. You are different. You had to get over two lanes to turn properly. Since you didn’t have time to do this you came to a stop. At 6:20 while people are trying to get home. So yes, we were speeding a bit and going between 35 and 45 mph. And you were stopped. After enough people had passed those unfortunate enough to be stuck directly behind you, you turned left. Across three lanes of traffic. Goddamn drivers.

My husband drives 90 minutes to work and even he thinks my 25 minute drive is horrible.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Dear jackass who ran into my mailbox,

At first I didn’t really care. I figured we could stand it back up again and stick the box on top and be good to go. Turns out mail boxes are more complicated than that. The main problem is that my husband doesn’t get home until after it’s dark out. Since the ground is frozen there is no way I can dig a new hole myself. Which means we haven’t gotten mail for 3 days now. So I’ve started to care. And you’ve started to be a jackass.

It’s cold out, but the roads weren’t slippery. I don’t think you slid into the pole. Judging by your tracks, you side swiped the pole and then as you tried to extricate yourself from the snow and muck on the shoulder you backed into the pole. It seems you did this rather quickly. Maybe your tires were spinning and then suddenly caught hold and you rocketed off the shoulder. But there is no way you didn’t feel the impact. And it doesn’t take a genius to match the numbers on the box to the number on the house directly across the street. So now I’m angry. But I still think I can fix things.

Unfortunately it turns out our mailbox pole was kinda cheap. The ones in the store have metal poles you hammer into the ground and then you shimmy the wooden pole over the metal. Our pole was about 8 inches into the ground, the wood was just thinner at the bottom and stuck into the dirt. It’s not your fault the pole was inappropriately made. But it is your fault that I know this. It’s your fault I have to go to the post office and pick up my mail. You better have a pole sized dent in your bumper to make up for this. The lawn looks naked without a mailbox on it and I hate being the neighbor with the crappy house. You made me into that person. And I hate you for it.

Sincerely,

Kelly