Letters to People I Hate

Dear interrupting customer,

The other day at work I was helping a teenaged girl find a couple books she was looking for. She didn’t have a lot of information on the books but since she was nice and understanding, I went the extra mile to try to find what she wanted. See how that works? We give as good as we get.

You, on the other hand, gave crap. I was at the info counter side of the register and the girl was standing a few feet away from me. We were talking a bit and I was typing a bit. I saw you walk up to the desk out of the corner of my eye and so I looked up to make eye contact and give a quick nod to let you know I saw you. Then I asked the other customer if I had gotten the right series. You waited about 12 seconds and paced about in front of the counter the whole time.

Then you came over, closer to the girl I was helping so I know you saw her, and interrupted me. Impatient much?

“Do you have Catcher in the Rye?” You demanded. I said we were currently out but had more on order for the store. You looked shocked and more than a little confused. I tried to tell you I could help you as soon as I was done helping this other customer. I got as far and gesturing toward her and opening my mouth before you interrupted again.

“Well, when will it be in?”

I smiled apologetically at the girl and told you it was on backorder so I didn’t know when we would get more copies. Normally I would offer to order you a copy so you wouldn’t have to keep checking up on our stock. But since you were rude to another, very polite and understanding, customer I didn’t ask if you wanted to special order. Not that I had the chance. You stalked off in a huff, immediately leaving the store. Asshole.

You know, you can read books before the author dies. Don’t be so surprised when a classic is out of stock a week after the author passes way. Reading the Catcher in the Rye isn’t exactly a unique idea right now. Plus, J D Salinger wrote other books as well. I would have shown you those if you had been nice. Or maybe we could have looked in used books to see if a copy was over there. Tens of thousands of people are picking up Catcher in the Rye right now, it looks like you’ll have to wait your turn.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Dear customers who set off the door alarms,

Just walk through the security gates. The noise is annoying to everyone, especially the employees. I know you can hear the noise, you are looking around with that “Did I do that?” face. Just walk on in.

Do not turn and look at the gates and tilt your head with confusion. Do not shout to the person at the information counter, “I don’t know what it is!” or “I didn’t steal anything, ha, ha!” Walk into the store, which is what the person at the counter is gesturing for you to do. You would have heard that request had you not been yelling, “It’s beeping! Did I set it off?” Yes, you did.

If you walk through we can probably demagnetize whatever item you are carrying. It is simple. Usually it’s a bag from the game store in the mall, but it might be a tag in your coat or purse. Or an item in one of the myriad other bags you are holding. We do not need you to dig through the bags. Please don’t remove items one by one, I don’t want to see your new wallet or bra or make up. We can put the entire plastic bag on the demagnetizing pad. One push of a button and ‘sproing!’ no more beeps.

But we aren’t doing that are we? You are still standing in the doorway as people who very well could be stealing things walk past you while the gates beep. For the love of all that is holy, just walk through the gates and present yourself at the register. That way no one will give you death stares and shout at you. We know you didn’t mean to make the gates beep. But if you keep standing between them, you are making everything worse.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Dear no name lady,

I was working at the register the other day when you came up and requested to talk with a manager. You were a bit abrupt and looked all sorts of cranky. I knew one of our managers had recently been out on the floor but I always seem to give her the crazies, so I asked my co-worker if any other managers were in available. He gave me the name of another (male) manager who should be around. You overheard all of this and learned both managers names.

I left to get the male manager from across the store when the younger, female manager walked right past me. I had to give you over to her, it wouldn’t make sense to bother the other manager just to avoid annoying this one. You gave her a once over as she asked how she could help you and immediately said you were supposed to be talking to the other manager, even calling him by his name. Way to eavesdrop and be a jerk. She could help you just as well as he could, was she too young? Maybe you’re just too crabby and old.

She tried to help you despite your misgivings, asking your problem and nodding along politely. She tried to take your name so she could mention your issue to our general manager, since you obviously didn’t think she was high enough up the ladder. You said no. She explained why she wanted to know, but you interrupted and were adamant in your refusal to give any information. Why? How could giving your name hurt you? You knew her name and you used it, a lot.

You didn’t want to give anything, but you did want the number of our corporate office and the names of the owners. You mentioned the other manager by name a few more times and made it sound like you had some sort of appointment with him. You were supposed to be talking with him. She was clearly wasting your time. Giving up on trying to assist you herself, she went to the other information desk to get the manager whose name you repeated like a mantra. You were clingy and followed her, probably because you thought she might say bad things about you. You were right, we do like to warn each other about difficult customers and you were vying for worst of the day.

Before you could talk to the other manager, you set your sights on the woman in charge of our used books section. Your problem dealt specifically with her. Turns out she didn’t buy all the books you brought in. Well? That happens. Sometimes we have too many of a particular title. Sometimes the books people bring in are dirty or marked up. Sometimes they are so off the wall we don’t think anyone would by them, so we don’t buy them from you. But you wanted to yell at someone.

Do you understand the system? Why would we buy books we couldn’t sell? We aren’t doing you a favor. We didn’t ask you to clean out your house and bring us your left over crap. This is a place of business, not a book storage depot.

Then the male manager you had such an affinity for came up to the counter. You saw him approaching and shook your head immediately. Turns out you recognized him. That right, the male manager, who is older than the manager you were previously talking to, helps run the used books. You’ve dealt with him before. He knows all about you, probably even knows your name. Your precious, secret name no one else could have the privilege of writing down.

Now there was no one left to deal with. One manager was incompetent in your eyes, the other one knew your MO. You complain about the system a lot. You bring in over 25 books at a time, so the buyer picks up the first 25 and give you the rest back without looking at them. Of course she isn’t following the rules, she is specifically picking on you and choosing titles she won’t buy anyway. She wants you to go home with as little money as possible. She’s a horrible person and has a grudge against you. Did I get it right?

You got the number for corporate and after redeeming your used book memo for cash, stomped out of the store. As the doors closed we all crowded around the register you got your money from. After hitting a few keys, the drawer popped open and five of us looked over the slip of paper from your transaction. Printed on it clear as day was your name, address, and phone number.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Dear Pastor Assface,

For the past two weeks we have had a plexiglass box at each register to collect money for Haiti. We have a nice sign saying which charity we are donating to and have a book about said charity next to the box. Since the boxes are clear you can see the money inside and how generous people have been in their giving. I’ve seen ones, fives, tens, and twenties in this box. Someone said a very kind gentleman put in a $50.

You are not that gentleman. The clear boxes also mean we can see when people put stupid things in the box. Non-monetary items. You put in something that fell in that category.

Now maybe you didn’t read the sign; didn’t understand that we were donating money; not having some sort of auction. That is what I thought when I first saw a giftcard for our store in the box. Maybe someone thought we were auctioning off items, or maybe they thought…I have no fucking clue. At this point I had to open the box.

The envelope containing the card was worn, very worn. It had a couple of receipts in it and the offending giftcard. Your name was in to “To:” line and it was from some family. I learned that you are a pastor. I thought pastors had to have some form of higher education, I thought you would have had to pass at least one reading comprehension test in your years of schooling.

The giftcard was for 20 cents. The newest receipt said “Remaining balance: $0.20. Really? You put a giftcard for a local bookstore into a donations box for Haiti? For Haiti!? Did you think they wanted to order books online? On what? Home building? If you didn’t want to card tell the clerk to give the remaining balance to the next person in line, or give it to the clerk, we like money off our books as much as the next person.

Do NOT put it the a donations box. I took it out and put in a quarter. I know it’s not a lot, but it’s more than what you did. At least my quarter will add up to a greater total instead of making the donations box look like a trash bin.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Dear caller,

You called the store today and as soon as you started talking I hated you. Apparently you had received a phone call from us, but had been unable to reach the phone in time. So you called back. Sounds reasonable, but I know where this is going. You see, every morning our special orders manager calls the customers whose book orders have arrived at the store. And almost every morning/early afternoon people like you call us back.

Our special orders manager leaves a message, something along the lines of, “This message is for Mr. Smith, I’m calling to let you know your book arrived at —- and is available to be picked up.” But you are too busy/inept to listen to messages aren’t you? So you called me. I asked if there was a message left for you and you said yes. I asked if you listened to said message and you said no. Of course not.

You said the phone call might have been in regards to a book you ordered. I said the message would let you know if it had come in. You didn’t want to go that route. You wanted me to tell you if the book had come in or if there were any problems. Unfortunately for me, the books had not yet been brought onto the floor. They were still sitting on the desk of the person who called you and LEFT A MESSAGE!

So I put you on hold and in the process of trying to call the special orders manager, we got disconnected. Oops. I waited for you to call back, but you didn’t. I assume you thought I hung up on you and then you listened to your message telling you your book was in the store and available to be purchased. In retrospect I wish I had hung up on you. Right at the beginning of the conversation. It would have saved us both a lot of time.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Dear customers having a conversation near my section,

Your conversation went something like this:

customer A: “I feel like I should write movies.”

customer B: “Because everything out there is trash.”

customer A: “Right. But I’m not that good at describing what’s happening. Like, there’s so much going on in my head, it’s hard to get it out.”

customer B: “Oh, you should write plays then.”

customer A: “Yeah, or screenplays. (Picks up The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy) This isn’t too long. I could do this.”

I have a few questions. These are not in order of importance.

• Do you know what playwrights or screen writers do? They describe what will happen on stage or in front of a camera. With words. Words that come out of their heads.
• Would you watch a play where the actors just stand on stage and talk without moving because the writer didn’t know how to get all the description out of his head? Even Beckett has people walking around.
• Have you read The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy? It’s five novels. Yes they are short, but it’s five! I am going to go ahead and assume you don’t have a single finished novel at home. Let alone five. 5!
• Do you know how much I hate you? It’s a lot. I hate you a lot.

Sincerely,

Kelly

P.S. Seriously, five novels. And the book is 815 pages. I hate you so much.

Dear helpful customer,

You walked up to the counter and after some awkward eye contact you said,

“Valentine’s.”

It wasn’t even a question. My co-worker and I stared at you, hoping you might give us another clue.

“Valentine’s?”

This time it was a question and you were irritated. It would be helpful if you used more words. We asked if you wanted cards. You said, “For kids.” Okay, more words is helpful, but not by much. I told you we didn’t have the packs of cards for classroom exchange. This made you more irritated. My co-worker piped up, probably to stop you from saying Valentine’s again. “We have books over in the children’s section for Valentine’s Day.” You looked confused at the suggestion.

“Books?”

Great, we were back to one word questions. Yes, of course books! You are in a bookstore! It’s in the name of the store, look around you. Those rectangular things on the shelves, they’re books. We sell other items as well, but you have to give us more to work with. I said yes, books and single cards, but no card packs. You muttered that what you really wanted was some sort of Valentine’s activity for your son. How the hell was I supposed to guess that from your “Valentine’s” demand?

We told you there were no Valentine’s kits or activities in the store. Truth is, there might be, but we had lost interest in helping you when you lost interest in expressing yourself in full sentences. No one here is a mind reader.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Dear “clever” customers,

When I ask you if you found everything already today as I am ringing up your books all I want in response is, “Yes, I found everything I was looking for” or “No, could you look up a title/author for me, please?” I do not want you to get that smarmy gleam in your eye and say any of the following:

• “I didn’t find a big sack of money” followed by creepy aren’t-I-so-funny laughter
• “What would you say if I said no?” (I would ask if I could help you, jackass)
• “Well, I didn’t find everything I was looking for” followed by a comment about items we obviously don’t sell and how you’ll have to go to Macy’s to get that sweater/speedsuit/whatever the fuck we don’t carry.
• Worst is a combination of the above.

Maybe you say these things because you think you are so damn funny and clever you have to share it with the world. You are not making my day better. You are irritating. Not surprisingly you are often male, older, white, and alone. While you may not be single or friendless (although I imagine you are both) no one wants to go out in public with you, do they?

Try listening to the customer ahead of you. Try doing it without being a creep and you will learn the normal interaction between customer and bookseller. Next, imitate that conversation until it feels natural. Last, don’t ever try to bring your special brand of humor out in public again.

Sincerely,

Kelly