Letters to People I Hate

Mailed 5/2/2011

Sun, 01 May 2011 23:03:00 -0400

Annual Credit Report Request Service

PO Box 105283

Atlanta, GA 30348-5283

May 1, 2011

Dear Dickbags,

If you extend people the ability to view their free credit report then you need to also provide them with the time to review said reports. My session timed out before I had a chance to fully view the information. Each agency has a different set up and if I haven’t looked at my report in a while it takes time to find/read all of the information I have available.

I know you have no control over the differences in these websites, but you do control how long I have to look at them. I had no idea there would be a time limit and was pissed when I learned that I had exceeded your arbitrary restriction. What is it anyway? Ten minutes total?

I also had no way to compare information from all three reports at once. To go to the next reporting agency I had to return to your mediocre website first. By the time I printed the information I thought was relevant from two of the agencies I was no longer logged in to your shitty system.

I was able to fill in my information again and view the final report but unable to look at the previous ones for a proper comparison. The information I had printed was of some use, but I do not have all of the information I would like to have had. Information I have access to once a year unless I want to pay.

I understand that you help provide a free service, but that doesn’t give you permission to do a piss poor job. I would have had to pay to get the actual credit score anyway, so it is by no means a full description of my credit history.

Your comments system is of course broken and you have no phone number for inquiries or complaints. I am sure this letter will do no good and I will probably not receive a response until a year has passed and I will be able to view my reports again anyway.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Dear pregnant ladies on facebook, You are gross. To be fair, I only have one pregnant friend on...

Thu, 14 Oct 2010 21:21:13 -0400

Dear pregnant ladies on facebook,

You are gross.

To be fair, I only have one pregnant friend on facebook and she hasn’t done anything bad. Her profile pic is an ultrasound photo, but that is tame compared to the people a friend of mine knows. So I had to say thank you Amy before continuing with my rant.

Back to the gross. Let’s start with that ultrasound photo. It’s the first “picture” of your child, it’s adorable and from it you learned the gender of your baby. Do NOT point out the genitals of this poor unsuspecting fetus to me. If they post shit like that online in twenty years it could be the determining factor in whether or not they get a job. Don’t start now. I usually can’t figure out which white blob is head and which one is ass, but I don’t want a tutorial. I’ll believe that little Billy’s “winky” is somewhere in that picture formed by bouncing sound waves around your uterus. I don’t need a close up.

Please remember the extent of your friending on facebook. You went around clicking on names willy nilly when you first joined, didn’t you? You have a giant list of current friends, college roomates, co-workers, family, and distant friends from as far away as grade school. Those people whose photos you had to triple check and whose hometown you had to take note of before you realized you did indeed sit next to them during lunch in second grade do NOT want to know that you are dilated two centimeters. No one but your doctor wants to know that information.

The belly pics are okay, I give them a pass, but tuck them away somewhere. We want to see your face not your stretch marks when we flip through our news feed. You’re pregnant, it’s a given you will be gaining weight in the belly area. This is something else I can trust you on without a visual update.

So now your pregnancy is over. Hopefully you weren’t like that woman in the Virgin mobile commercial texting and updating during labor. Those commercials are supposed to be an exaggeration of the human experience, not a reflection. Here come the baby facts.

Thanks to facebook, I know that your newborn was having bowel troubles but is currently peeing and pooping with ease. And now I get to see a picture of your baby with a bloody towel over his penis because he JUST GOT CIRCUMCISED. I had an informal look at the inner workings of a hospital a few months ago. I’ve seen a circumcision; it wasn’t pretty. The baby was not pleased, he kicked and fought to get free, and you want to post it on the internet?

Let’s think about that for a moment. Facebook may feel like your own private little corner of safety and camaraderie, but it’s online. These photos and updates are online. Too many people can see them. Make a list of grandparents, aunts, and uncles and email them these photos and overly personal updates. If you must post them online, make a teeny, tiny, preferably private album. If more people request to see photos of your blood covered newborn, add them to the list. We don’t want to see it.

Here’s a quick status check list to sum up:

“I’m pregnant!” - okay

“My vagina is opened up two centimeters and getting ready to spew forth new life!” - not okay

“It’s a boy!” - okay

“Here’s a picture of his penis!” - not okay

“She’s 7 lbs 8 oz and healthy!” - okay

“She was pooping that dark black poop babies have in the beginning but now it’s soft and yellow because I’m breastfeeding!” - not okay

Sincerely,

Jill (And Kelly)

P.S.

Jill just informed me that the circumcision picture is now your profile picture. Blood and profile picture do not go together. What was the thought process leading up to this decision? Was is the answer to your “How will every girl my son ever dates know he doesn’t have a foreskin” question? Take that shit down.

-K

Dear free gift wrap girl, You called the store today and asked if we had complimentary gift wrap...

Mon, 11 Oct 2010 21:44:59 -0400

Dear free gift wrap girl,

You called the store today and asked if we had complimentary gift wrap during the holidays. I informed you that we offer free gift wrap all year round and there would be a table devoted to wrapping closer to Christmas. You asked if you could bring something into the store to be wrapped. I asked you to clarify.

“Can I bring stuff in for you guys to wrap? Like can I bring in presents?”

Uh, no. I told you we only wrap items we’ve sold. You were not pleased.

“Well that’s dumb.”

I apologized for the inconvenience and told you we sold gift wrap in the store.

“Well can I come to the store and buy something there and then have you wrap something else?”

No. You would still be asking us to wrap an item from another store. That is a stupid question. At this time in the conversation I had a customer in the store waiting to ask me a question. I wanted to stop talking to you.

“So, I can’t like, buy something there and have you wrap something else? I’m still buying something in your store. Can’t you just wrap a different gift?”

I repeated that we can “unfortunately” only wrap items we sell in the store. Then I glanced at the customer in front of me to let her know I would be with her shortly. She laughed at what I had told you. I gave a slight eye roll while you yammered on and on.

“Well could you wrap both of the things? Like what I bought there and another gift if they’re for the same person?”

I repeated the very easy to understand fact that we ONLY wrap items we’ve sold from OUR store. The customer laughed and gave me an eye roll of her own. She thought you were an idiot too.

You were pissed.

“Well then I guess I won’t be buying anything from your store then,” you said and hung up.

Oh no, you won’t be buying the cheapest item in the store and then unloading a car full of presents for us to wrap for free? Fuck! I really screwed the store out of business today, didn’t I? Don’t be so goddamn lazy. That conversation should not have taken so long. Truly, that conversation should never have happened in the first place. I am not a fan of the “It never hurts to ask” policy. It hurts me down to my very soul when I have to explain a simple concept to a cheap ass customer while a paying customer waits for assistance.

Wrap your presents in newspaper and call yourself a hipster, just be sure to leave me alone.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Dear everyone, So late last night while feeding my cat a marshmallow and reading page after page of...

Wed, 06 Oct 2010 11:26:00 -0400

Dear everyone,

So late last night while feeding my cat a marshmallow and reading page after page of Hyperbole and a Half, I decided I don’t really have anymore hate in me. Also, you guys suck for not making me famous. Last time I stopped writing for a while people were asking my husband “Why isn’t Kelly writing letters?” and saying things like “Those letters were hilarious, tell her to write more.”

WTF?

Tell me these thing, not him. Tell your friends my letters are awesome. Post comments on the blog instead of facebook. Send me situations where people make you angry and give me some fuel so I don’t to rehash letters to stupid customers. (No, you can’t have a handle bag for a 2” by 3” coin purse, I’m sorry there aren’t any bookstores where you live but that fact has nothing to do with getting a bag with handles. You’re a moron.)

Now I know what you’re thinking: Why would you feed marshmallows to a cat? It’s can’t be good for him and didn’t I hear you say he had a heart murmur once? Sugar can’t be good for a cat’s heart. Well he loves them and will chew through the bag to get them and it’s adorable. Then he abandons them and they are sticky and gross and maybe adhered to the blanket I’m snuggled in right now. But it’s worth it because it makes him happy.

Now do what I say and make me happy or post 50 will be the last.

Sincerely,

Kelly

50th post!!

Thu, 30 Sep 2010 23:59:00 -0400

Dear Matthew DiBenedetti,

I walked past your book in the store the other day and I got all excited. It’s called “I Hate Everything” and when I saw it I let out a girlish squeal. It seemed perfect for me, I hate everything too! I was going to read it, and buy it, and we could be lifelong friends.

Then I opened the book and was instantly disappointed. It’s amazingly stupid. I know I write letters to people I hate, but I have reasons, and arguments, and humor. Your book just has one liners about things you hate. Like how there’s no good place to pick your nose. WTF? Pick your nose at home when no one else is around. Problem solved, jackass. Your book is a cheap knock-off of Shit My Dad Says. That book has a guy hating everything, and it’s fucking hilarious. It has a story and a place on the bestsellers list. Your book is made up of things an old man would mumble to his nurse as he fades away and dies.

At first your cover was funny - a rainbow, a cute penguin, a bright yellow smiley face - but it got old after two seconds. Ohhh, irony, how fucking original. I hope your book gets lost in the humor section and then sent back to the publisher when no one buys it.

I may have equal hatred for the idiot who wrote a review for your book on Amazon. It was “funny and an easy read”, really? What humor book isn’t an easy read? Are Dave Barry’s sentences so long you forget how they started by the time you hit the period? He said he couldn’t stop turning the pages, it’s not a difficult task to fly through a book when there are an average of 9 words on a page.

You’re ruining the art of proper hate. It requires technique and finesse. You aren’t providing a funny “slant on those everyday events we often overlook but are just plain Funny!” (sic), you’re a crotchety old bald guy one step away from talking about how airplane food sucks. Maybe you do “write” about that in the book, I didn’t have the same page turning compulsion as your rave reviewer.

I hope next time you’re driving and picking your nose you do get rear-ended and your finger lodges somewhere in your brain rendering you unable to type. That way I won’t have to see “Everything Else I Hate” six months from now.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Dear book flippers, Really this is how you choose to impact the world? People are starving, no food,...

Tue, 28 Sep 2010 23:56:06 -0400

Dear book flippers,

Really this is how you choose to impact the world? People are starving, no food, no water certainly no books to read. You live in a place where you are lucky enough to have books to read, even if you borrow them from the library. You can use them to learn about different things, to vicariously live through other people in their adventures, to connect with well written characters. All of this reading is bound to give you some opinions on what you like and don’t like about books. You will certainly gain opinions about what you like and don’t like about other people and what other people read.

I, for one, do not like Nicholas Sparks books and correspondingly, I am not a great fan of or friends with people who adore his writing. But for me it stops there. For you, you book flippers, who feel oh so powerful and almighty in your opinion, you feel it is ABSOLUTELY necessary to show the world what you think about a certain book and possibly make it harder for someone who adores that book to find it. You feel the need to flip the book to its back cover - hiding the front so that it’s difficult to see which book it is. This is your powerful (and passive aggressive) hate? It is SO goddamn obnoxious.

The people who turn the books back around (you didn’t think they turned themselves did you?) are the book store workers. Like me, jackass. It’s not the authors or the readers. I have enough tasks to occupy my time and I don’t need to spend twenty minutes rotating all of the Stephenie Meyer books back to their original position. Your passive aggressive actions cannot make you feel empowered, what is the point? There isn’t one.

I can see you being the type of person who has a lot of time on your hands. You would be bored and think to drive to the mall, remove every book in a section (say 200 books), then place them back on the shelf with the pages out instead of the spine out. I’m sure you’re unemployed. If I found out you had an interview I would take the day off and tell your interviewer about your fucked up past time. You hate a book/author. I get it. I hate people too, right now it’s you.

Is it some sort of cause? You want books you deem poorly written or inappropriate off the shelves? Turning the sex books around doesn’t make people not want to buy sex books. It makes booksellers swear like sailors and look around for someone to set on fire.

You want a cause? How about the destruction of the rainforest for fucks sake!? Honestly when was the last time you and your damn opinions thought about the rainforest? Look at how many question marks you are making me use. It’s fucking ridiculous. Think of all those tress and unknown species dying slow, painful deaths, you could care about that. In fact I don’t care what you decide to have opinions about, just do more than make my job harder.

I love it when people have strong opinions, like me on this subject, but really you’re going to use up all your angry energy to turn some books around? Hate Nicky Sparks and Stephi Meyer all you want. Write them a fucking letter, they don’t know you turn their books around. Organize a protest about shitty books, volunteer at a school and get kids to read quality books, have a hunger strike and don’t eat until your local book store removes all the titles you don’t like. Then you can die your own slow, painful death. Remember the rainforest?

In the meantime take your passive aggressive grumpy little hands off of the books and find something else to look do.

Sincerely,

Tiffany (and Kelly)

A few spoiler alerts for summer show finales, deal with it Dear producers and writers, Let me...

Thu, 23 Sep 2010 23:54:00 -0400

***A few spoiler alerts for summer show finales, deal with it***

Dear producers and writers,

Let me just say that I was going to watch your show next season for sure. You didn’t have to “kill” main characters in the season finale.

White Collar - I didn’t think you were going to have Neal get shot in his apartment. I figured that chick he was hanging out with was a good guy and you were building the suspense a little heavy handedly, but I wasn’t concerned. Even with the slow motion purse reaching. “OMG! What if she pulls out a gun!?” did not cross my mind. I wasn’t concerned because I thought you were better than that. Then you shot Mozzie. Why? I promise I will tune in next season, I was already going to watch the show. I like the show. I do not like senseless shooting of adorable sidekicks.

Rizzoli & Isles - You shot Rizzoli. Okay, Rizzoli shot herself. In a pretty badass way. It was very Die Hard 4. A little too Die Hard 4 to be honest. Enough sentence fragments. I was going to watch this show too. Miami is sooo over, I’m on to the Boston shows. I really liked this show, I thought it was a girlie cops show but my husband thought it was dark and creepy. I think it can be both and I adore it. I do not adore TWO characters being shot and dying in the finale. That’s right, I didn’t forget about the other Rizzoli you shot. One wasn’t enough, you have to pretend to kill of two characters. Of course the other Rizzoli is the title character’s little brother, he’s kind of an adorable sidekick.

Gossip Girl - Chuck? Really? You shot him in Prague or somewhere protecting the gorgeous engagement ring he bought for Blair. I know this isn’t a recent season finale, it’s from the Spring, but it still irritates me. I like Gossip Girl, don’t love it, it’s more of a guilty pleasure show. But I was planning on watching again. Don’t shoot people.

Here’s why:

We know the main characters you shot won’t die. Maybe they’ll be in the hospital. Maybe other characters will think they are dead and their true feelings will come out. But they won’t die.

Unless it’s Kal Penn going to work in DC. But suicide is different. And that episode sucked.

Prove me wrong and have these people die. Mozzie won’t get found and poor Neal will have another breakdown because everyone he loves is dying. Change Rizzoli & Isles to just Isles. Kate Gosline did it, screw the title character, so long as you have one of them you’re good to go. I already know Chuck lives. I wasn’t worried about him and I’m not worried about the other “fatalities”. It’s a stupid cliffhanger that we all see coming. Stop it.

Sincerely,

Kelly

More little annoying people: To: Money cougher You were shopping in the store the other day and...

Tue, 21 Sep 2010 23:28:00 -0400

More little annoying people:

To: Money cougher

You were shopping in the store the other day and starting hacking up a lung in the middle of an aisle I was trying to walk down. I tried to avoid your bacteria cloud but I’m sure it was much larger than something I could walk around. Then you came to my register when you were ready to check out. You were still coughing, not into your elbow or over your shoulder or something, you were coughing into your hand. You then stuck that germ covered hand into your probably germ covered purse and handed me a wad of cash.

Use a handkerchief, or your elbow or something. I had to sanitize twice and I still have a sore throat. I blame you.

From: Kelly

————————

To: Headlight flasher

Again I’m driving home from work and the person in front of me was driving slowly. Not just going the speed limit (40 mph) when everyone else wants to go 45, but crawling. I think we hit a top speed of 27 as we coasted down a bit of a hill. You seem to be one of those people with a tenuous grasp of the fact that you aren’t the only car on the road. You understood that I was there, but not that there could be another car in front of me.

I drive a sedan, you were in an SUV, I know this because your headlights were way higher than my bumper. You have to have been able to see the car ahead of me. I even drove in the right side of the lane so you would know I wasn’t the one going half the speed limit. But you didn’t get it. Instead you decided to flash your brights at me. WTF? Of course I didn’t speed up, because there was A CAR IN FRONT OF ME! Then you turned off suddenly. I hope you got lost in the side neighborhood trying to cut around us. Jackass, I hate when people blame me for things I didn’t do.

From: Kelly

————————

To: Sneezy girl

I was writing at the Women’s Study Lounge at my university’s union last week. It’s a beautiful, quiet room, and it’s girls only. There are no group meeting spaces and if someone’s phone rings we all glare until that person leaves the room. Then there was you.

You sneezed.

Fine, no big deal, I know you can’t really control sneezes. Then you sneezed again. And again. I wanted you to get up and go to the bathroom to blow your nose. You were loud and people were looking. You could at least use your elbow to quiet the sound.

You sneezed again.

Then you laughed. Then some girl who either knew you or was equally annoying and stupid laughed too. Then you sneezed and you both giggled. I wanted to throw things at you. I was eyeing the lamp next to me, I think it would have made a lovely dent in your head.

Next time STFU and take care of shit like that. Reasonable people will leave a quiet room when they are noisy. Next time I’ll throw the lamp.

From:Kelly

Dear crabby neighbor, Well, well, well, I thought I would have to search for an asshole for...

Thu, 16 Sep 2010 10:00:00 -0400

Dear crabby neighbor,

Well, well, well, I thought I would have to search for an asshole for today’s letter, but you found me. Thanks?

I was mulching our new flowerbed when a police car rolled up and parked in front of my car. My car was parked in my front lawn inches from the street because we don’t have a wide street here. We also don’t have curbs or sidewalks. The officer asked if the car was mine and would I please move it into the driveway (where the pile of mulch was currently residing) because a neighbor had complained. Really?

He then asked if we had had someone come out to speak to us before regarding the parking situation. I said no and told him that we had a couple of parties and some officers had come by then about noise but had said nothing about parking. They also said we weren’t being too loud.

I’m pretty sure you called about the noise/fight you said broke out that there was no evidence of because it didn’t happen. You are way too picky. My husband gives his co-worker a ride and he parks on the lawn so he doesn’t block me in. If this bothers you, come talk to me. I would say speaking to me is easier than speaking to the police, but you probably have their number on speed dial. You seem like that kind of person. I hate that kind of person.

But the cop seemed nice, so I pulled in the car and continued to landscape. Then I saw that the cop had driven down two houses and was talking to a group of people in the front lawn. I was too busy being irritated with you to worry about what they were in trouble for. It turns out they’re nice. The neighbor drove by to point out your house and say you were probably who called the police about all of this nonsense. He also told me that the police officer told him (hearsay, I know) we were not friendly and threw a lot of parties. WTF? We have lived here a year and had two parties.

Two.

We told the neighbors on both sides of us about the parties well before they happened. One set of neighbors came out to the party and enjoyed themselves. The neighbor who talked to the cop said we weren’t loud at all and he had noticed only one party.

You need to get a life. Loosen up a bit, take the “No No” dog pooping sign off your lawn and stop sweeping the street. Talk to us before calling the police. The car wasn’t on cinderblocks. We don’t have trash cluttering up the place. We cut down the dead tree and are making improvements. If we park on the street when we have people over it will drastically narrow the road. That seems unsafe to me, but if you would prefer it, fine.

If you keep up this behavior my friends are going to start volunteering to poop on your front lawn. I’ll be hard pressed to find a reason to stop them.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Dear Stephen King and Dean Koontz, I shelve the horror section at work and generally I like you two....

Mon, 13 Sep 2010 23:59:00 -0400

Dear Stephen King and Dean Koontz,

I shelve the horror section at work and generally I like you two. Sure King is way better than Koontz, but you both write horror as opposed to the vampire lust fest that is Laurell K. Hamilton. I’ve read your books and have seen the movies, I couldn’t watch “Scrubs” when it first came out because Dr. Cox still scared the shit out of me from his stint in “Intensity”. I guess I’m trying to say I like what you do.

I even own some books. My mom is trying to get me all of the Stephen King books. She buys them at thrift stores and flea markets and the old school dust jackets are great. Since I own these books and I’m generally described as cheap, it’s safe to say other people own them too. Which mean you guys have money. With all of the movie deals you have loads of money. I believe “shit tons” is the technical term.

And now you’re greedy. You have both started re-releasing books. I’ve shelved the section for a little over a year. First came the 2010 edition of “Danse Macabre” by Stephen King. You had added a new forward. Okay, cool. I didn’t have any versions of the book, mass market ($7.99) or quality paperback ($14.99) so I happily put it on display and made sure one was on the shelf.

Then came “Cujo” for $4.99. It was a special price and of course it was printed on the spine, so I got to shelve two copies of the same book at different prices. People have enough trouble trying to determine if the content of the mass market and quality paperback is the same (hint: it is), why are you making it more difficult by having a cheaper mass market?

Then you pulled out another “new” book, King. I got a hardcover and quality paperback, set to “hit the shelves” on the same day. The book was “On Writing” and the cover was black and white. I already had this book on the shelf. It has a creepy picture of a cellar door surrounded by dirt and flowers. I own this book. You put out another version, so I checked to see if it was a “new” edition with a bullshit 2010 introduction. Nope. How about a 2010 epilogue, maybe a little info on what you’re up to right now. Nope.

It had a new cover. That’s it. What the fuck? Now I have three copies of the SAME BOOK taking up room on the small amount of space I have allotted for horror.

Koontz, don’t think you’re getting off easy. You are filling the shelves with “new” mass markets. We’ve got “Your Heart Belongs to Me” and “House of Thunder” in duplicate. “The Taking” is your newest. The book came out in 2004. Now I have it on the “new” mass market table and next to its “old” partner on the shelf because you felt the need to re-release it. AND to make matters worse you decided to not only change the cover art, but to make it in the large mass market size. These new books are slightly taller than the usual mass market books and $2 more expensive. Two dollars for a quarter inch of book. Your entire Frankenstein series is in tall mass market. I hate them.

Our shelves were made to fit the normal mass markets with ease. The tall ones fit, but don’t come off the shelf without a little effort. People have to tug at the spine to remove them from their place. The tugging pulls at the paper covering the spine. This paper rips. No one wants to spend $9.99 on a book with a torn cover, so we have damaged books we have to send back to the publisher. All because you two wanted more money on anniversary editions. You two (especially you, Stephen) write long books. Thick books. Tomes. Epics. You take up enough space on the shelves already. How about sticking with one style per book from now on.

And if you’re going to re-release something, write a new goddamn intro. It’s the least you can do.

Sincerely,
Kelly

Dear Psych producers, I miss the pineapple. For the uninitiated Psych is a hilarious show about an...

Thu, 09 Sep 2010 23:56:00 -0400

Dear Psych producers,

I miss the pineapple.

For the uninitiated Psych is a hilarious show about an observant goof-off who pretends to be a psychic to help the Santa Barbara police solve crimes. While the criminal element isn’t particularly scary or clever, the show is great, with lots of inside jokes and repeating themes. Every episode, along with crazy names for Gus, Shawn lusting after Juliet, and Lassiter drawing his gun, there is a pineapple. Maybe someone was eating one, or offering one as a gift, or using one as a conversation starter. Then you decided to change things.

Suddenly finding the pineapple became a game. You could win stupid prizes by seeing the hidden pineapple in one of the scenes and texting usa network/psych. When did TV become something you have to work for? I loved seeing the pineapple in each episode. Now I have no idea where it is. And it’s hardly a pineapple anymore, you have pineapples on a shirt, or a pineapple statue. I hate it. They don’t even talk about the pineapple anymore. You took away all the fun. I want to sit back and enjoy the show. You removed an inside joke and encouraged people to start stupid websites devoted to pineapple finding.

I don’t want my TV to be interactive. I’m not a toddler watching Blue’s Clues or Dora the Explorer. I’m not going to shout, “Behind you! There’s the pineapple!” I just want to watch a comedy and chuckle a bit. Are producers so desperate for ratings and visits to their shows’ websites they have to make watching the show into a contest? What happened to doing things without a cellphone in your hand or a laptop next to you on the couch? I’m relaxing at the end of the day and thanks to my DVR I rarely watch a show as it’s recording, so even if I do find the pineapple, I doubt I’m getting my prize four days later.

Bring back all the parts of the show I love. What’s next, instead of Shawn giving Gus a nickname there will be a long pause and we have to text in a funny name ourselves? Stop with the interactive crap and give me back my delicious fruit.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Dear readers, Oh no! Another skipped Sunday letter and a very late Tuesday letter, which isn’t...

Tue, 07 Sep 2010 22:31:11 -0400

Dear readers,

Oh no! Another skipped Sunday letter and a very late Tuesday letter, which isn’t really a letter at all, because I love you guys. Apparently I cannot hate on a schedule. Yes, I tried to write the letters in advance and have them post on the days I promised, but I ran out of people to hate.

That is only partly true. But the letters are getting redundant. Dumb customers asking to talk to a specific manager, then leaving the store for 30 minutes, and asking all grumpily when they get back, “Well, is she here?” WTF? No, she came over here and then went back to work. You LEFT THE STORE!! Was she supposed to follow you to the Gap? Did you want us to call security and ask them to page you? Because I’m not sure they do that. I’m not sure what they do.

This gets old. Horrible drivers gets old too. Even the guy who stopped in the middle of the road when he saw the hot girls handing out free Monster at a gas station so he could turn right from the middle lane after traffic cleared.

So what’s an adorably witty blogger to do? This is where you come in. Send me your crappy people stories and I will write them a letter. You can even print it out and mail it to them. I would love to hear any follow up stories on that course of action.

If you send a story (short or long, specific or vague “I hate when…” complaints) I will do my best to write a letter. I will sign it “Sincerely Kelly on behalf of (Your Name)” and I will finally get some new material.

Post in the comments or email letterstopeopleihate@gmail.com

Do it now or else you will have to deal with another dry spell.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Dear morons trying to turn left, There were four of you on my way home today. Everyone driving my...

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 10:00:00 -0400

Dear morons trying to turn left,

There were four of you on my way home today. Everyone driving my route home was lucky not to be involved in a head on collision. The first one of you I encountered decided it would be fun to turn left from the lane next to the left turn lane. While a driver was in the left turn lane, turning left. You tried to turn into the left of the two lanes in the cross road and were dismayed to find a car there. Swerving occurred and then we all went on our merry way. I sped past you, worried you might change lanes with no notice and run me off the road.

The next two idiots had separate cars, but were making the same bad choice. The road we were driving on was four lanes, two heading in each direction. You two were driving east while I was driving west. Then you both decided to turn left, a common decision for the night. Unfortunately, you picked the left lane on my side of the road, mistaking it for a middle turn lane. It’s not. It was actually one of the two oncoming traffic lanes. Oncoming as in head on. It is not a left turn lane. There is a left turn lane in the general area, and I can see the second moron blindly following the first, but you are both still idiots. We all had to get in the right lane and drive around you. The people who wanted to use the left turn lane got to make a sharp turn into the actual left turn lane after passing you jackasses.

The fourth person making a big fail out of a left turn might have been the best. By this time I was driving on a four lane one way road. One block south is a four lane road going in the opposite direction. The neighborhood roads connecting the two are not one way roads. You were in the wrong lane, it seems to be happening a lot today. I’ve been driving before and realized the I’m about to pass the road I wanted to turn down. I try to get over and failing that, go up a block or so and loop around. This is because I have a brain in my head and I like to use it from time to time. You are different. You had to get over two lanes to turn properly. Since you didn’t have time to do this you came to a stop. At 6:20 while people are trying to get home. So yes, we were speeding a bit and going between 35 and 45 mph. And you were stopped. After enough people had passed those unfortunate enough to be stuck directly behind you, you turned left. Across three lanes of traffic. Goddamn drivers.

My husband drives 90 minutes to work and even he thinks my 25 minute drive is horrible.

Sincerely,

Kelly

I don’t have a letter today, but I do have some quick notes. I’m posting them here so I...

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 10:00:00 -0400

I don’t have a letter today, but I do have some quick notes. I’m posting them here so I don’t have to buy www.letterstopeopleifindmildlyirritating.com.

—————————

To: Overly interested head nodding lady

You, like the rest of the people in these notes only irritated me a bit. Your actions weren’t enough to necessitate a full on letter, so you get a note. I went to an author talk with a friend of mine yesterday. Every time he made a point, or paused for a longish amount of time you nodded. Hot damn it was annoying. I get nodding every once in a while, usually when something is said that you didn’t get from the novel on your own. Like, “Oh, I hadn’t made that connection on my own.” But you were doing the, “Yes, I know what you’re talking about because I am so smart and clever. We have so much in common.” I know you were thinking this because I could see the smug smile on your face. Trust me, no one looks clever when their head is bobbing up and down like a bobblehead.

From: Kelly

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To: Clever voicemail people,

Oh, how you drive me crazy. Here is one of the more annoying voicemails I have been forced to listen to over the years.

“Hi, I’m Sally’s iPhone. Treat me nice and maybe she’ll call you back.”

Sally, how about you don’t try to be cute and instead you record your name and number on your voicemail. I’m sure that is what you want me to do. As opposed to this:

“Hi, Sally, I’m Kelly. You and your iPhone are assholes. I don’t want you to call me back, I want you to grow up.”

Normally I wouldn’t drag a phone down with its owner, but you started it.

From: Kelly

—————————

To: Gretchen on Project Runway

You are a huge bitch. AJ is adorable with a quirky sense of style and you are a turncoat, loud mouth, douchette. You should have gone home, you were the de facto leader and should have been eliminated after heading up the design on such a boring oversized collection. It’s like you took the potato sacks last season and covered them with “grandpa sweaters”. The only redeeming factor is you got the full force of Tim Gunn’s “disappointed parent” speech. And you had to see Casanova named the winner. I know that hurt.

From: Kelly

—————————

P.S. I know I didn’t have a letter on Sunday. I can’t stick to a schedule. I’m a badass.

Dear customers who don’t understand the alphabet, I thought I could avoid writing letters to...

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 22:37:00 -0400

Dear customers who don’t understand the alphabet,

I thought I could avoid writing letters to people who are nice enough to buy things at the store, but it just isn’t happening. Some customers want to use the computers to look up books themselves, they seem disappointed when I say that it is my job to look up books for them. You are not those customers. You need help, and handholding, and a guided tour of the store - particularly the Fiction section.

I had the distinct pleasure of helping two of you people recently. Our Fiction section starts in the front right corner of the store and follows the right wall until all the books (organized by author last name: A-Z) have run out, then History starts. The section is divided by alcoves, if we put all the books against the wall our store would have to quadruple in size. The alcoves are where we lose people like you.

One of you, a middle aged woman, came up to me at the middle information desk a few weeks ago.

“I can’t find the book I’m looking for. The author is Chris Cleave. But I can’t find their books. In fact, I can’t find any of the C last name authors.”

Really? You can’t find any of the C last name authors? I was nice and didn’t ask how hard you looked. I took you over to the first fiction alcove. On our way there we passed the second alcove containing authors He- through Mu-.

“I was here, I couldn’t find the C’s.”

I showed you into the corner where Fiction starts.

“Oh, I didn’t go this far over! Here’s the book. I didn’t even look over here. I was over there.” You pointed toward the second alcove. “But I didn’t come over here.”

I bit my tongue and smiled at you, asked if you needed any thing else, and walked away. I had a question I couldn’t ask, but I’ll ask it now. Why didn’t you go into the first alcove? If I were in a store and I wanted a C last name author and I found the H last name authors, I would go left. That’s just how the alphabet works.

Later that same week another one of you, a gentleman, asked a similar question.

“I can’t find The English Major by Jim Harrison.”

I took you to the first fiction alcove. On the way we had a similar conversation about how you had seen the He- books, but not the Ha-’s. I tried to be nice.

“Yeah, I think the Poetry sign hanging over here throws a lot of people off.”

Your response was not nice.

“Well, yeah. I thought it was all poetry. It’s very confusing.”

Really? Is it? You get to Catch-22 by Joseph Heller. You want The English Major by Jim Harrison. Again it is the simple act of moving LEFT. Even if the Poetry sign confused you, where did you think the other books were? A through Ha is a lot of authors. A lot of famous authors. Did you think we loved poetry so much we got rid of Austen and Dickens and the Bronte sisters? Did you wander off into Mysteries or SciFi or Horror looking for Jim Harrison? What was going through your head?

You people confound me. Do we need to label every shelf? You’re as bad as people who ask how the books are arranged and then give a strange look when I say by author last name within the section. How do you want them arranged? Color? Author first name? Second word in the title, we’ll just get rid of all the single word title books.

If you can’t follow the organization of the alphabet I can’t help but think you can’t follow the plot of the books you are purchasing. If you aren’t going to use the space in your head for a brain you should rent it out to people with excess jewelry. Fashionable women can take you to parties and use your skull as a purse. You can follow them around marveling at how the bathroom is behind a door and you never would have thought to look there.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Dear New Jersey, WTF? I check my Google Analytics for this site everyday, close to hourly if I have...

Tue, 24 Aug 2010 10:28:29 -0400

Dear New Jersey,

WTF?

I check my Google Analytics for this site everyday, close to hourly if I have the day off work, and you have pissed me off recently. My state has the most visits in any given time period (shown by a nice deep green) and until now you have been just another beige-ish green state on the map. Then you turned dark green, not as dark as my home state, but you became state number 2 for the month.

This is not a bad thing. I thought it was cool that a state where I don’t know anyone was visiting the site. Oklahoma visited a lot during the Spring when I was writing more often and that made me happy. But Oklahoma made the rest of my stats rise too (time spent on the site increased and the bounce rate decreased). You are ruining my stats. I got all excited about New Jersey and you disappointed me.

Do you know how dirty I felt to be excited about New Jersey? It wasn’t something I ever expected to happen. As a child I longed to be a New Yorker and even after learning to love Chicago and the midwest I find NJ pollution filled and unpleasant. Yes, it’s a generalization and no, I’ve never visited. But I believe everything Ted has said in his rants on How I Met Your Mother. Even the Stephanie Plum novels don’t paint a pretty picture of the Garden State.

It’s two cities in particular (Williamstown and Westwood) but I hold the entire state accountable. I don’t care if it’s bots or whatever the hell other crap visits sites and leaves immediately. Your state gets shit on for a lot of reasons and you need to do something about it. So stop visiting. I don’t want New Jersey to be green ever again, even if you are reading the site.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Dear “One for the Money” casting director, The Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich...

Sun, 22 Aug 2010 09:00:00 -0400

Dear “One for the Money” casting director,

The Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich is my guilty pleasure of reading. I recently bought the entire series from a friend for $10. (I said guilty pleasure, I’m not paying retail.) They are the closest to reading romance I will ever get, I have strong opinions on the plot (Ranger over Morelli), and I was excited about the movie. Until you chose stupid Katherine Heigl to play Stephanie. That chick is blonde and she ruined Grey’s Anatomy with her whining and bad acting. She was not the pull for “Knocked Up” and that “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” knock-off “Killers” got a 12% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Also she looks terrible as a brunette. It’s like photoshop happened in real life.

I tried to ignore all of this in favor of Daniel Sunjata playing Ranger. Hot guy playing a hot guy, you got one right. Granted Ranger has darker skin than Sunjata and longer hair, but clearly the women love him (how many times has he been in a Lifetime movie/show?). I wouldn’t mind watching him run around in a tight black shirt, so who cares if Heigl is playing Stephanie Plum. We all know I’m going to put myself in Heigl’s place anyway. Sorry husband. <3

Then you really screwed up. Let me give you two names: Joseph Morelli and Jason O’Mara. How about two ethnicities to go with those names: Italian and Irish. The guys are close to having matching initials, and both Italian and Irish start with an “I”, but the only way you could have been further off was if you cast a woman. O’Mara was born and raised in Dublin. The kids on Jersey Shore are more Italian. The Irish are pale, I would know, and the Italian are tan. So sue me if I’m being stereotypical here, the books certainly are.

He’s also not that good looking. Sorry Jason, but when I read about a handsome, angular Italian I expect a lot more than you can deliver. Continuing on, Nate Mooney would be better cast as Walter “Moonman” than Eddie Gazarra. How is this not the face of a stoner? It’s definitely not the face of a cop. Plus, I always thought Gazarra was chubby.

Other people are waiting until they see the movie to judge the casting choices. Not me. I plan on being irritated for the next 11 months as I see stills and commercials for a funny/sexy book turned inept/shitty movie. It’s no wonder the movie is down 18% in popularity this week on imdb.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Dear James Patterson, Many people have speculated that you use a fill in the blank rubric for your...

Thu, 19 Aug 2010 09:00:00 -0400

Dear James Patterson,

Many people have speculated that you use a fill in the blank rubric for your novels. That is when you aren’t having your “co-writer” do everything and slapping your name on the cover in a font double the size their name gets. I don’t have a huge problem with this, 17 books in three years? Why not! Quick paragraphs and chapters make people feel like they’ve accomplished something. Look at me! I read soooo fast! If these people want to read crap, I say let them.

What I’m thinking is we let book reviewers in on the process. I know the quotes on the back cover of your books aren’t written by people whose literary opinion I would ever take seriously. I’m impressed they have jobs to tell the truth, so I made a little cheat sheet using actual reviews from your novels, in case they ever get overwhelmed.

Multiple Choice Book Review: James Patterson

In his latest novel James Patterson pulls the reader in to a(n)

A) gritty
B) thrilling
C) dangerous world.

After a

A) brutal murder
B) harrowing kidnapping
C) heinous crime,

brave hero

A) Alex Cross
B) Lt. Lindsay Boxer
C) Maximum Ride

must use his/her

A) knowledge of the law
B) connection with the victim
C) unique tie to the crime

before the perpetrator strikes again. This novel is a

A) gripping medical thriller
B) fantastic legal battle
C) horrifyingly captivating mystery

from a

A) superb
B) talented
C) skillful

author. The ending

A) will shock everyone
B) you never saw coming will blow your mind
C) is full of enough twists to make your head spin.

A must read for

A) any Patterson-adrenaline junkie
B) all thriller lovers
C) anyone with a vocabulary under 100 words.

You’re welcome.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Oh hello, I didn’t see you there. It’s been a while since I last wrote a letter, which...

Wed, 18 Aug 2010 18:23:00 -0400

Oh hello,

I didn’t see you there.

It’s been a while since I last wrote a letter, which probably means a lot of my readers are long gone. Sucks to be them, because I have all new hate to dispense to the lucky few who stuck around. I’m trying to hate on fewer customers since, well, let me be honest here, I have a feeling the owners of the company would frown upon the source of their profits being mocked mercilessly. Another bit of honesty: all I do is work and watch TV. And drive on construction filled roads, but the “you drive like an asshole” letters all start to sound the same after a while.

To get me to write more letters my husband has offered to take me on field trips to different places so I can meet more people to hate. Isn’t that sweet? We went to Chicago a while ago, but everyone was nice and I saw Vince Vaughn (shorter than I thought); I did have a terrible Cobb salad but I’m not sure there’s a letter in that. Until we go somewhere else I will do my best to hate locally.

I also hope to have a regular posting schedule. I know, right! Responsibility and what not, it’s crazy. You should be able to read new letters here every Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday. Starting tomorrow you’ll be back to reading letters and laughing your ass off.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Dear Lady Shopping in a Hurry Today, Don’t show me pictures from the sex books. It’s...

Mon, 19 Apr 2010 19:03:48 -0400

Dear Lady Shopping in a Hurry Today,

Don’t show me pictures from the sex books. It’s creepy. I’m not puritanical about sex and erotica, but I don’t want to know your opinion about the pictures in the new edition of The Joy of Sex. Don’t flip through the book while standing closer than necessary and say things like, “They used to all be sketches like this,” and shove the book at me. I also don’t know if any of the authors of the sex books are “good”. That is going to be a personal decision. Clearly you prefer sketches to the photographs of people, which you also chose to show me, but I don’t know you well enough to pick out authors you would like.

Don’t touch me either. Even if we weren’t surrounded by books about sexual pleasure, I still wouldn’t want you to pat me on the shoulder and call me sweetie. It’s inappropriate. Another things that is inappropriate: Buying sex books and puppets in the same trip. Why were you doing this? Is your sex lesson just after volunteering at the hospital? It puts strange ideas in our minds and you are already a little off.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Letters to People I Hate

Mailed 5/2/2011

Dear pregnant ladies on facebook, You are gross. To be fair, I only have one pregnant friend on...

Dear free gift wrap girl, You called the store today and asked if we had complimentary gift wrap...

Dear everyone, So late last night while feeding my cat a marshmallow and reading page after page of...

50th post!!

Dear book flippers, Really this is how you choose to impact the world? People are starving, no food,...

***A few spoiler alerts for summer show finales, deal with it*** Dear producers and writers, Let me...

More little annoying people: To: Money cougher You were shopping in the store the other day and...

Dear crabby neighbor, Well, well, well, I thought I would have to search for an asshole for...

Dear Stephen King and Dean Koontz, I shelve the horror section at work and generally I like you two....

Dear Psych producers, I miss the pineapple. For the uninitiated Psych is a hilarious show about an...

Dear readers, Oh no! Another skipped Sunday letter and a very late Tuesday letter, which isn’t...

Dear morons trying to turn left, There were four of you on my way home today. Everyone driving my...

I don’t have a letter today, but I do have some quick notes. I’m posting them here so I...

Dear customers who don’t understand the alphabet, I thought I could avoid writing letters to...

Dear New Jersey, WTF? I check my Google Analytics for this site everyday, close to hourly if I have...

Dear “One for the Money” casting director, The Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich...

Dear James Patterson, Many people have speculated that you use a fill in the blank rubric for your...

Oh hello, I didn’t see you there. It’s been a while since I last wrote a letter, which...

Dear Lady Shopping in a Hurry Today, Don’t show me pictures from the sex books. It’s...

A few spoiler alerts for summer show finales, deal with it Dear producers and writers, Let me...