I don’t have a letter today, but I do have some quick notes. I’m posting them here so I don’t have to buy www.letterstopeopleifindmildlyirritating.com.
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To: Overly interested head nodding lady
You, like the rest of the people in these notes only irritated me a bit. Your actions weren’t enough to necessitate a full on letter, so you get a note. I went to an author talk with a friend of mine yesterday. Every time he made a point, or paused for a longish amount of time you nodded. Hot damn it was annoying. I get nodding every once in a while, usually when something is said that you didn’t get from the novel on your own. Like, “Oh, I hadn’t made that connection on my own.” But you were doing the, “Yes, I know what you’re talking about because I am so smart and clever. We have so much in common.” I know you were thinking this because I could see the smug smile on your face. Trust me, no one looks clever when their head is bobbing up and down like a bobblehead.
From: Kelly
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To: Clever voicemail people,
Oh, how you drive me crazy. Here is one of the more annoying voicemails I have been forced to listen to over the years.
“Hi, I’m Sally’s iPhone. Treat me nice and maybe she’ll call you back.”
Sally, how about you don’t try to be cute and instead you record your name and number on your voicemail. I’m sure that is what you want me to do. As opposed to this:
“Hi, Sally, I’m Kelly. You and your iPhone are assholes. I don’t want you to call me back, I want you to grow up.”
Normally I wouldn’t drag a phone down with its owner, but you started it.
From: Kelly
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To: Gretchen on Project Runway
You are a huge bitch. AJ is adorable with a quirky sense of style and you are a turncoat, loud mouth, douchette. You should have gone home, you were the de facto leader and should have been eliminated after heading up the design on such a boring oversized collection. It’s like you took the potato sacks last season and covered them with “grandpa sweaters”. The only redeeming factor is you got the full force of Tim Gunn’s “disappointed parent” speech. And you had to see Casanova named the winner. I know that hurt.
From: Kelly
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P.S. I know I didn’t have a letter on Sunday. I can’t stick to a schedule. I’m a badass.
