January 2010
14 posts
3 tags
Dear horrible grocery store cashier,
You clearly don’t know what you’re doing, nor do you care about your job. Which in this economic climate is a bad choice. You still had a “trainee” tag above your name badge, but being new is no excuse for your terrible customer service.
My husband always organizes the groceries on the conveyor belt in the order he wants them bagged....
4 tags
Dear caller,
You called the store today and as soon as you started talking I hated you. Apparently you had received a phone call from us, but had been unable to reach the phone in time. So you called back. Sounds reasonable, but I know where this is going. You see, every morning our special orders manager calls the customers whose book orders have arrived at the store. And almost every...
Dear forgetful customer,
You asked me what I thought would be a simple question regarding a book you wanted to purchase. You said it was The Rest of the Story by Paul Harvey, so I typed in that title and we waited for the computer to complete its search. Nothing came up. I tried “rest” and “story”, still nothing. Trying just the word “story” would yield more...
Dear bachelor on Millionaire Matchmaker,
You were only on my TV for a few minutes, but that’s really all I needed. I hate most of the bachelors on Millionaire Matchmaker on principle. Oh, I make sooo much money and all the girls I meet are gold diggers and I don’t have time to find that special someone who is hot and younger than me and doesn’t want me for my money. Feel bad for...
5 tags
Dear customers having a conversation near my section,
Your conversation went something like this:
customer A: “I feel like I should write movies.”
customer B: “Because everything out there is trash.”
customer A: “Right. But I’m not that good at describing what’s happening. Like, there’s so much going on in my head, it’s hard to get it...
Dear guy tailgating me on my way to work,
I know the speed limit here is 40 mph. You seem to know that as well and are trying to go the speed limit, maybe a little faster. Unfortunately the car in front of me is going about 32 and since this is a no passing zone, you and I are stuck going that speed too. I would love to go faster, as usual I am running late for work. With no other choice, I take...
4 tags
Dear helpful customer,
You walked up to the counter and after some awkward eye contact you said,
“Valentine’s.”
It wasn’t even a question. My co-worker and I stared at you, hoping you might give us another clue.
“Valentine’s?”
This time it was a question and you were irritated. It would be helpful if you used more words. We asked if you wanted cards....
3 tags
Dear dictionary lady,
You creeped everyone out. I (kind of) understand your desire for the perfect dictionary for your English class. I suppose you wouldn’t want to spend $30 on a subpar book of definitions, but you still need to stay on your side of the counter. I was afraid you were going to climb right on over and shake me until I truly grasped your dictionary requirements. I’m...
3 tags
Dear “clever” customers,
When I ask you if you found everything already today as I am ringing up your books all I want in response is, “Yes, I found everything I was looking for” or “No, could you look up a title/author for me, please?” I do not want you to get that smarmy gleam in your eye and say any of the following:
“I didn’t find a big sack of...
3 tags
Dear jackass who ran into my mailbox,
At first I didn’t really care. I figured we could stand it back up again and stick the box on top and be good to go. Turns out mail boxes are more complicated than that. The main problem is that my husband doesn’t get home until after it’s dark out. Since the ground is frozen there is no way I can dig a new hole myself. Which means we...
2 tags
Dear Green Cab driver,
You and your fellow Prius driving Green Cab driver are assholes. Where Grand River makes a sharp turn just after the railroad tracks the right lane ends and the left lane has the right of way. This means when you are driving in the right lane, as you were a few nights ago, and another car is in the left lane, as I was on that same night, the other car goes first. It does...
3 tags
Dear door-to-door AT&T representative,
When you rang my doorbell I had just gotten into the bathroom. I knew no one was dropping by and so I ignored you. You rang again but I was clearly busy and figured who ever was at the door would assume no one was home. Sure, there was a car in the driveway, but all the lights were off and there was no sound from the tv. But you rang again.
Then you...
2 tags
Dear asshole from last summer,
It’s been a while since we met. I’ll remind you of the circumstances. My friends and I, and unfortunately you, were drinking and eating for free on the river boat, the Michigan Princess. It had been rented for the evening to celebrate the —th anniversary of the company where my husband works. My husband had invited a few friends as had everybody...
4 tags
Dear customer shopping around 7:00 this evening,
You may think you are well read but loudly mocking other books/authors to your freakishly tall friend makes you a pretentious ass. You want me to help you find a book about the apocalypse? That’s fine, I’m here to help and have a few suggestions. Don’t look so surprised that multiple other people have asked the very same question....