May 2011
1 post
2 tags
Mailed 5/2/2011
Annual Credit Report Request Service
PO Box 105283
Atlanta, GA 30348-5283
May 1, 2011
Dear Dickbags,
If you extend people the ability to view their free credit report then you need to also provide them with the time to review said reports. My session timed out before I had a chance to fully view the information. Each agency has a different set up and if I haven’t looked at my...
October 2010
3 posts
4 tags
Dear pregnant ladies on facebook,
You are gross.
To be fair, I only have one pregnant friend on facebook and she hasn’t done anything bad. Her profile pic is an ultrasound photo, but that is tame compared to the people a friend of mine knows. So I had to say thank you Amy before continuing with my rant.
Back to the gross. Let’s start with that ultrasound photo. It’s the first...
3 tags
Dear free gift wrap girl,
You called the store today and asked if we had complimentary gift wrap during the holidays. I informed you that we offer free gift wrap all year round and there would be a table devoted to wrapping closer to Christmas. You asked if you could bring something into the store to be wrapped. I asked you to clarify.
“Can I bring stuff in for you guys to wrap? Like can I...
Dear everyone,
So late last night while feeding my cat a marshmallow and reading page after page of Hyperbole and a Half, I decided I don’t really have anymore hate in me. Also, you guys suck for not making me famous. Last time I stopped writing for a while people were asking my husband “Why isn’t Kelly writing letters?” and saying things like “Those letters were...
1 tag
50th post!!
Dear Matthew DiBenedetti,
I walked past your book in the store the other day and I got all excited. It’s called “I Hate Everything” and when I saw it I let out a girlish squeal. It seemed perfect for me, I hate everything too! I was going to read it, and buy it, and we could be lifelong friends.
Then I opened the book and was instantly disappointed. It’s amazingly...
September 2010
9 posts
5 tags
Dear book flippers, Really this is how you choose to impact the world? People are starving, no food, no water certainly no books to read. You live in a place where you are lucky enough to have books to read, even if you borrow them from the library. You can use them to learn about different things, to vicariously live through other people in their adventures, to connect with well written...
2 tags
***A few spoiler alerts for summer show finales, deal with it***
Dear producers and writers,
Let me just say that I was going to watch your show next season for sure. You didn’t have to “kill” main characters in the season finale.
White Collar - I didn’t think you were going to have Neal get shot in his apartment. I figured that chick he was hanging out with was a good...
More little annoying people:
To: Money cougher
You were shopping in the store the other day and starting hacking up a lung in the middle of an aisle I was trying to walk down. I tried to avoid your bacteria cloud but I’m sure it was much larger than something I could walk around. Then you came to my register when you were ready to check out. You were still coughing, not into your elbow or...
2 tags
Dear crabby neighbor,
Well, well, well, I thought I would have to search for an asshole for today’s letter, but you found me. Thanks?
I was mulching our new flowerbed when a police car rolled up and parked in front of my car. My car was parked in my front lawn inches from the street because we don’t have a wide street here. We also don’t have curbs or sidewalks. The officer...
3 tags
Dear Stephen King and Dean Koontz,
I shelve the horror section at work and generally I like you two. Sure King is way better than Koontz, but you both write horror as opposed to the vampire lust fest that is Laurell K. Hamilton. I’ve read your books and have seen the movies, I couldn’t watch “Scrubs” when it first came out because Dr. Cox still scared the shit out of me...
4 tags
Dear Psych producers,
I miss the pineapple.
For the uninitiated Psych is a hilarious show about an observant goof-off who pretends to be a psychic to help the Santa Barbara police solve crimes. While the criminal element isn’t particularly scary or clever, the show is great, with lots of inside jokes and repeating themes. Every episode, along with crazy names for Gus, Shawn lusting after...
4 tags
Dear readers,
Oh no! Another skipped Sunday letter and a very late Tuesday letter, which isn’t really a letter at all, because I love you guys. Apparently I cannot hate on a schedule. Yes, I tried to write the letters in advance and have them post on the days I promised, but I ran out of people to hate.
That is only partly true. But the letters are getting redundant. Dumb customers asking...
2 tags
Dear morons trying to turn left,
There were four of you on my way home today. Everyone driving my route home was lucky not to be involved in a head on collision. The first one of you I encountered decided it would be fun to turn left from the lane next to the left turn lane. While a driver was in the left turn lane, turning left. You tried to turn into the left of the two lanes in the cross road...
August 2010
6 posts
4 tags
I don’t have a letter today, but I do have some quick notes. I’m posting them here so I don’t have to buy www.letterstopeopleifindmildlyirritating.com.
—————————
To: Overly interested head nodding lady
You, like the rest of the people in these notes only irritated me a bit. Your actions weren’t enough to necessitate a...
3 tags
Dear customers who don’t understand the alphabet,
I thought I could avoid writing letters to people who are nice enough to buy things at the store, but it just isn’t happening. Some customers want to use the computers to look up books themselves, they seem disappointed when I say that it is my job to look up books for them. You are not those customers. You need help, and handholding,...
2 tags
Dear New Jersey,
WTF?
I check my Google Analytics for this site everyday, close to hourly if I have the day off work, and you have pissed me off recently. My state has the most visits in any given time period (shown by a nice deep green) and until now you have been just another beige-ish green state on the map. Then you turned dark green, not as dark as my home state, but you became state number...
3 tags
Dear “One for the Money” casting director,
The Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich is my guilty pleasure of reading. I recently bought the entire series from a friend for $10. (I said guilty pleasure, I’m not paying retail.) They are the closest to reading romance I will ever get, I have strong opinions on the plot (Ranger over Morelli), and I was excited about the movie....
Dear James Patterson,
Many people have speculated that you use a fill in the blank rubric for your novels. That is when you aren’t having your “co-writer” do everything and slapping your name on the cover in a font double the size their name gets. I don’t have a huge problem with this, 17 books in three years? Why not! Quick paragraphs and chapters make people feel like...
Oh hello,
I didn’t see you there.
It’s been a while since I last wrote a letter, which probably means a lot of my readers are long gone. Sucks to be them, because I have all new hate to dispense to the lucky few who stuck around. I’m trying to hate on fewer customers since, well, let me be honest here, I have a feeling the owners of the company would frown upon the source of...
April 2010
2 posts
4 tags
Dear Lady Shopping in a Hurry Today,
Don’t show me pictures from the sex books. It’s creepy. I’m not puritanical about sex and erotica, but I don’t want to know your opinion about the pictures in the new edition of The Joy of Sex. Don’t flip through the book while standing closer than necessary and say things like, “They used to all be sketches like...
3 tags
Dear Nicholas Sparks,
You melodramatic, romance writing, motherfucker. Who the fuck do you think you are!? Jesus, fuck! I can’t even think straight after having read your interview with USA Today. I will say I’ve never read any of your books. Because I treasure my brain cells. If I’m going to kill them off, it will be with vodka not shit writing.
I can say that about your...
March 2010
2 posts
5 tags
customer 1: Does she go to church?
customer 2: No, she's just religious.
2 tags
Dear Director of the U.S. Census Bureau,
You sent me a letter, so I thought it only polite if I responded with one of my own. Your letter stated that “about one week from now, (I) will receive a 2010 Census form in the mail.” It went on to ask me to fill out said form and mail it promptly. It told me about how important my involvement is and where money would go in my neighborhood.
...
February 2010
17 posts
3 tags
Dear reticent customer,
I am not a mind reader. When you come up to the counter, hand over a piece of paper with two book titles on it, and say a name, I assume you want me to look up the books and have given me the author’s last name. I assume this based on dozens of other customers who seem to have a daily word limit.
They come in with a title and author written on a scrap of paper, hand...
3 tags
Dear boy’s name,
I’m sorry you’re a girl and your parents decided to saddle you with a boy’s name. Sucks to be you. You are in your early twenties and should have come to terms with your uniqueness by now. Plus, more than one of my co-workers thinks your name is cute and better as a girl’s name. So, I really don’t feel bad for you.
I’m not sorry I asked...
Dear customers with poor register etiquette,
I have compiled a short how to manual on accepted check out behavior. It is evident many of you have never worked in retail. The average person does not need a lesson in putting items on a counter and then paying for those items. Probably because it’s not a difficult task. But there are those of you who require a lesson in basic customer service...
3 tags
Dear Lewis Black,
It hurts me to do this. I think you are hilarious. You are one of my favorite comedians and I have always watched your stand up shows, even reruns. You’re so angry, with the finger jabbing and the ranting. You’ve done bits on the ridiculousness of organized religion and government. You seem to hate everything and everyone. Nothing is sacred, everything is to be...
2 tags
Dear guys who wanted to shovel my driveway,
Do I have a sign on my house saying “Please knock as loudly as possible until someone answers the door”? I’m sure I don’t and yet you pounded on my front door so hard, I thought you were banging on the metal garage door. My entire house echoed with your absurd knocking. And I was in bed.
Granted, it was after noon, but only by...
4 tags
customer: Do you have any books on hugs?
co-worker: Hugs?
customer: Yeah, like different kinds of hugs.
co-worker: Do you want a kids book?
customer: Just any book on hugs, really.
4 tags
Dear overbearing customer,
A few days ago I was working a morning shift at the front register. You had about 30 kids books from the used section you wanted to purchase. I knew it would take a while to ring everything up, but you smiled and seemed nice. I didn’t think there would be any problems. Wrong.
You see, our system requires more steps to ring up a used book than to ring up a...
2 tags
Click here before reading today’s letter: http://letterstopeopleihate.com/post/386250546/dear-laziest-customer-ive-ever-seen#comment-34137772
Dear long time reader, first time jackass,
So James, I completely agree with most of your comment. Obviously my venting from the relative anonymity of the internet isn’t going to change anyone’s behavior. And when I’m not at work...
4 tags
Dear lying teachers,
You are not sly or sneaky. We have a 20% discount for teachers on books they use in the classroom. We do this because we like teachers and we know they don’t make much money. However, we don’t like teachers like you. I know you want to read books for personal enjoyment, but you’ll have to pay full price. Don’t try to weasel your way out of it. I know when you are lying.
You...
4 tags
Dear Laziest Customer I’ve Ever Seen,
Let me start by saying that to earn the right to be addressed as such is quite a feat. I’ve worked in retail for six years now, and I’ve seen some lazy people. I’ve seen heavyset women run to the motorized cart we keep in our store for the infirm and the elderly, then drive it around the store instead of walking. I’ve seen people...
4 tags
Dear interrupting customer,
The other day at work I was helping a teenaged girl find a couple books she was looking for. She didn’t have a lot of information on the books but since she was nice and understanding, I went the extra mile to try to find what she wanted. See how that works? We give as good as we get.
You, on the other hand, gave crap. I was at the info counter side of the...
2 tags
Dear guy tailgating on the highway,
I love you. Unusual, I know.
I was driving home from Fort Wayne after visiting my mom for a few days. A massive black SUV was flying up behind me as I was passing two semis. I knew he wouldn’t be slowing down. Asshole.
He drove about a car length from my bumper as I passed the trucks. Usually I wouldn’t speed up when being tailgated, but at 75...
4 tags
Dear customers who set off the door alarms,
Just walk through the security gates. The noise is annoying to everyone, especially the employees. I know you can hear the noise, you are looking around with that “Did I do that?” face. Just walk on in.
Do not turn and look at the gates and tilt your head with confusion. Do not shout to the person at the information counter, “I...
3 tags
Dear no name lady,
I was working at the register the other day when you came up and requested to talk with a manager. You were a bit abrupt and looked all sorts of cranky. I knew one of our managers had recently been out on the floor but I always seem to give her the crazies, so I asked my co-worker if any other managers were in available. He gave me the name of another (male) manager who should...
4 tags
Dear Pastor Assface,
For the past two weeks we have had a plexiglass box at each register to collect money for Haiti. We have a nice sign saying which charity we are donating to and have a book about said charity next to the box. Since the boxes are clear you can see the money inside and how generous people have been in their giving. I’ve seen ones, fives, tens, and twenties in this box....
4 tags
Dear self,
I really didn’t think I would have to do this. Not ever. But right now I kind of hate you…me. Hmm, this is going to be difficult. I’ll have to treat you like someone else, some stupid stranger, just this once. It better only be once.
So you got pulled over. I know the excuses, it was dark, you were driving in a city you’ve never driven in before, you were...
4 tags
Dear calendar lady,
You called the store from your home, some 40 minutes away, to see if we had a calendar. A very specific calendar. You said it was a Michigan calendar with tear-a-way pages. I politely informed you that we did not have anymore desk calendars. You asked if I could check on this one. I said that I knew for sure we had sold out of our desk calendars. You asked for my name. At that...
January 2010
14 posts
3 tags
Dear horrible grocery store cashier,
You clearly don’t know what you’re doing, nor do you care about your job. Which in this economic climate is a bad choice. You still had a “trainee” tag above your name badge, but being new is no excuse for your terrible customer service.
My husband always organizes the groceries on the conveyor belt in the order he wants them bagged....
4 tags
Dear caller,
You called the store today and as soon as you started talking I hated you. Apparently you had received a phone call from us, but had been unable to reach the phone in time. So you called back. Sounds reasonable, but I know where this is going. You see, every morning our special orders manager calls the customers whose book orders have arrived at the store. And almost every...
Dear forgetful customer,
You asked me what I thought would be a simple question regarding a book you wanted to purchase. You said it was The Rest of the Story by Paul Harvey, so I typed in that title and we waited for the computer to complete its search. Nothing came up. I tried “rest” and “story”, still nothing. Trying just the word “story” would yield more...
Dear bachelor on Millionaire Matchmaker,
You were only on my TV for a few minutes, but that’s really all I needed. I hate most of the bachelors on Millionaire Matchmaker on principle. Oh, I make sooo much money and all the girls I meet are gold diggers and I don’t have time to find that special someone who is hot and younger than me and doesn’t want me for my money. Feel bad for...
5 tags
Dear customers having a conversation near my section,
Your conversation went something like this:
customer A: “I feel like I should write movies.”
customer B: “Because everything out there is trash.”
customer A: “Right. But I’m not that good at describing what’s happening. Like, there’s so much going on in my head, it’s hard to get it...
Dear guy tailgating me on my way to work,
I know the speed limit here is 40 mph. You seem to know that as well and are trying to go the speed limit, maybe a little faster. Unfortunately the car in front of me is going about 32 and since this is a no passing zone, you and I are stuck going that speed too. I would love to go faster, as usual I am running late for work. With no other choice, I take...
4 tags
Dear helpful customer,
You walked up to the counter and after some awkward eye contact you said,
“Valentine’s.”
It wasn’t even a question. My co-worker and I stared at you, hoping you might give us another clue.
“Valentine’s?”
This time it was a question and you were irritated. It would be helpful if you used more words. We asked if you wanted cards....
3 tags
Dear dictionary lady,
You creeped everyone out. I (kind of) understand your desire for the perfect dictionary for your English class. I suppose you wouldn’t want to spend $30 on a subpar book of definitions, but you still need to stay on your side of the counter. I was afraid you were going to climb right on over and shake me until I truly grasped your dictionary requirements. I’m...
3 tags
Dear “clever” customers,
When I ask you if you found everything already today as I am ringing up your books all I want in response is, “Yes, I found everything I was looking for” or “No, could you look up a title/author for me, please?” I do not want you to get that smarmy gleam in your eye and say any of the following:
“I didn’t find a big sack of...
3 tags
Dear jackass who ran into my mailbox,
At first I didn’t really care. I figured we could stand it back up again and stick the box on top and be good to go. Turns out mail boxes are more complicated than that. The main problem is that my husband doesn’t get home until after it’s dark out. Since the ground is frozen there is no way I can dig a new hole myself. Which means we...
