Letters to People I Hate

People are horrible and annoying. They need to be told this on a regular basis, through formal letters.

Mailed 5/2/2011

 

Annual Credit Report Request Service

PO Box 105283

Atlanta, GA 30348-5283

 

May 1, 2011

 

Dear Dickbags,

 

            If you extend people the ability to view their free credit report then you need to also provide them with the time to review said reports. My session timed out before I had a chance to fully view the information. Each agency has a different set up and if I haven’t looked at my report in a while it takes time to find/read all of the information I have available.

            I know you have no control over the differences in these websites, but you do control how long I have to look at them. I had no idea there would be a time limit and was pissed when I learned that I had exceeded your arbitrary restriction. What is it anyway? Ten minutes total?

I also had no way to compare information from all three reports at once. To go to the next reporting agency I had to return to your mediocre website first. By the time I printed the information I thought was relevant from two of the agencies I was no longer logged in to your shitty system.

            I was able to fill in my information again and view the final report but unable to look at the previous ones for a proper comparison. The information I had printed was of some use, but I do not have all of the information I would like to have had. Information I have access to once a year unless I want to pay.

            I understand that you help provide a free service, but that doesn’t give you permission to do a piss poor job. I would have had to pay to get the actual credit score anyway, so it is by no means a full description of my credit history.

            Your comments system is of course broken and you have no phone number for inquiries or complaints. I am sure this letter will do no good and I will probably not receive a response until a year has passed and I will be able to view my reports again anyway.

           

 

Sincerely,

Kelly

Comments

Dear pregnant ladies on facebook,

You are gross. 

To be fair, I only have one pregnant friend on facebook and she hasn’t done anything bad. Her profile pic is an ultrasound photo, but that is tame compared to the people a friend of mine knows. So I had to say thank you Amy before continuing with my rant.

Back to the gross. Let’s start with that ultrasound photo. It’s the first “picture” of your child, it’s adorable and from it you learned the gender of your baby. Do NOT point out the genitals of this poor unsuspecting fetus to me. If they post shit like that online in twenty years it could be the determining factor in whether or not they get a job. Don’t start now. I usually can’t figure out which white blob is head and which one is ass, but I don’t want a tutorial. I’ll believe that little Billy’s “winky” is somewhere in that picture formed by bouncing sound waves around your uterus. I don’t need a close up.

Please remember the extent of your friending on facebook. You went around clicking on names willy nilly when you first joined, didn’t you? You have a giant list of current friends, college roomates, co-workers, family, and distant friends from as far away as grade school. Those people whose photos you had to triple check and whose hometown you had to take note of before you realized you did indeed sit next to them during lunch in second grade do NOT want to know that you are dilated two centimeters. No one but your doctor wants to know that information.

The belly pics are okay, I give them a pass, but tuck them away somewhere. We want to see your face not your stretch marks when we flip through our news feed. You’re pregnant, it’s a given you will be gaining weight in the belly area. This is something else I can trust you on without a visual update.

So now your pregnancy is over. Hopefully you weren’t like that woman in the Virgin mobile commercial texting and updating during labor. Those commercials are supposed to be an exaggeration of the human experience, not a reflection. Here come the baby facts.

Thanks to facebook, I know that your newborn was having bowel troubles but is currently peeing and pooping with ease. And now I get to see a picture of your baby with a bloody towel over his penis because he JUST GOT CIRCUMCISED. I had an informal look at the inner workings of a hospital a few months ago. I’ve seen a circumcision; it wasn’t pretty. The baby was not pleased, he kicked and fought to get free, and you want to post it on the internet?

Let’s think about that for a moment. Facebook may feel like your own private little corner of safety and camaraderie, but it’s online. These photos and updates are online. Too many people can see them. Make a list of grandparents, aunts, and uncles and email them these photos and overly personal updates. If you must post them online, make a teeny, tiny, preferably private album. If more people request to see photos of your blood covered newborn, add them to the list. We don’t want to see it.

Here’s a quick status check list to sum up:

 "I’m pregnant!" - okay

"My vagina is opened up two centimeters and getting ready to spew forth new life!" - not okay

"It’s a boy!" - okay

"Here’s a picture of his penis!" - not okay

"She’s 7 lbs 8 oz and healthy!" - okay

"She was pooping that dark black poop babies have in the beginning but now it’s soft and yellow because I’m breastfeeding!" - not okay

Sincerely,

Jill (And Kelly)

P.S.

Jill just informed me that the circumcision picture is now your profile picture. Blood and profile picture do not go together. What was the thought process leading up to this decision? Was is the answer to your “How will every girl my son ever dates know he doesn’t have a foreskin” question? Take that shit down.

-K

Comments

Dear free gift wrap girl,

You called the store today and asked if we had complimentary gift wrap during the holidays. I informed you that we offer free gift wrap all year round and there would be a table devoted to wrapping closer to Christmas. You asked if you could bring something into the store to be wrapped. I asked you to clarify.

"Can I bring stuff in for you guys to wrap? Like can I bring in presents?"

Uh, no. I told you we only wrap items we’ve sold. You were not pleased.

"Well that’s dumb." 

I apologized for the inconvenience and told you we sold gift wrap in the store.

"Well can I come to the store and buy something there and then have you wrap something else?"

No. You would still be asking us to wrap an item from another store. That is a stupid question. At this time in the conversation I had a customer in the store waiting to ask me a question. I wanted to stop talking to you.

"So, I can’t like, buy something there and have you wrap something else? I’m still buying something in your store. Can’t you just wrap a different gift?"

I repeated that we can “unfortunately” only wrap items we sell in the store. Then I glanced at the customer in front of me to let her know I would be with her shortly. She laughed at what I had told you. I gave a slight eye roll while you yammered on and on.

"Well could you wrap both of the things? Like what I bought there and another gift if they’re for the same person?"

I repeated the very easy to understand fact that we ONLY wrap items we’ve sold from OUR store. The customer laughed and gave me an eye roll of her own. She thought you were an idiot too.

You were pissed.

"Well then I guess I won’t be buying anything from your store then,” you said and hung up.

Oh no, you won’t be buying the cheapest item in the store and then unloading a car full of presents for us to wrap for free? Fuck! I really screwed the store out of business today, didn’t I? Don’t be so goddamn lazy. That conversation should not have taken so long. Truly, that conversation should never have happened in the first place. I am not a fan of the “It never hurts to ask” policy. It hurts me down to my very soul when I have to explain a simple concept to a cheap ass customer while a paying customer waits for assistance.

Wrap your presents in newspaper and call yourself a hipster, just be sure to leave me alone.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Comments

Dear everyone,

So late last night while feeding my cat a marshmallow and reading page after page of Hyperbole and a Half, I decided I don’t really have anymore hate in me. Also, you guys suck for not making me famous. Last time I stopped writing for a while people were asking my husband “Why isn’t Kelly writing letters?” and saying things like “Those letters were hilarious, tell her to write more.”

WTF?

Tell me these thing, not him. Tell your friends my letters are awesome. Post comments on the blog instead of facebook. Send me situations where people make you angry and give me some fuel so I don’t to rehash letters to stupid customers. (No, you can’t have a handle bag for a 2” by 3” coin purse, I’m sorry there aren’t any bookstores where you live but that fact has nothing to do with getting a bag with handles. You’re a moron.)

Now I know what you’re thinking: Why would you feed marshmallows to a cat? It’s can’t be good for him and didn’t I hear you say he had a heart murmur once? Sugar can’t be good for a cat’s heart. Well he loves them and will chew through the bag to get them and it’s adorable. Then he abandons them and they are sticky and gross and maybe adhered to the blanket I’m snuggled in right now. But it’s worth it because it makes him happy.

Now do what I say and make me happy or post 50 will be the last. 

Sincerely,

Kelly

Comments

50th post!!

Dear Matthew DiBenedetti,

I walked past your book in the store the other day and I got all excited. It’s called “I Hate Everything” and when I saw it I let out a girlish squeal. It seemed perfect for me, I hate everything too! I was going to read it, and buy it, and we could be lifelong friends.

Then I opened the book and was instantly disappointed. It’s amazingly stupid. I know I write letters to people I hate, but I have reasons, and arguments, and humor. Your book just has one liners about things you hate. Like how there’s no good place to pick your nose. WTF? Pick your nose at home when no one else is around. Problem solved, jackass. Your book is a cheap knock-off of Shit My Dad Says. That book has a guy hating everything, and it’s fucking hilarious. It has a story and a place on the bestsellers list. Your book is made up of things an old man would mumble to his nurse as he fades away and dies.

At first your cover was funny - a rainbow, a cute penguin, a bright yellow smiley face - but it got old after two seconds. Ohhh, irony, how fucking original. I hope your book gets lost in the humor section and then sent back to the publisher when no one buys it.

I may have equal hatred for the idiot who wrote a review for your book on Amazon. It was “funny and an easy read”, really? What humor book isn’t an easy read? Are Dave Barry’s sentences so long you forget how they started by the time you hit the period? He said he couldn’t stop turning the pages, it’s not a difficult task to fly through a book when there are an average of 9 words on a page. 

You’re ruining the art of proper hate. It requires technique and finesse. You aren’t providing a funny “slant on those everyday events we often overlook but are just plain Funny!” (sic), you’re a crotchety old bald guy one step away from talking about how airplane food sucks. Maybe you do “write” about that in the book, I didn’t have the same page turning compulsion as your rave reviewer.

I hope next time you’re driving and picking your nose you do get rear-ended and your finger lodges somewhere in your brain rendering you unable to type. That way I won’t have to see “Everything Else I Hate” six months from now.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Comments

Dear book flippers, 

Really this is how you choose to impact the world? People are starving, no food, no water certainly no books to read. You live in a place where you are lucky enough to have books to read, even if you borrow them from the library. You can use them to learn about different things, to vicariously live through other people in their adventures, to connect with well written characters. All of this reading is bound to give you some opinions on what you like and don’t like about books. You will certainly gain opinions about what you like and don’t like about other people and what other people read.

I, for one, do not like Nicholas Sparks books and correspondingly, I am not a great fan of or friends with people who adore his writing. But for me it stops there. For you, you book flippers, who feel oh so powerful and almighty in your opinion, you feel it is ABSOLUTELY necessary to show the world what you think about a certain book and possibly make it harder for someone who adores that book to find it. You feel the need to flip the book to its back cover - hiding the front so that it’s difficult to see which book it is. This is your powerful (and passive aggressive) hate? It is SO goddamn obnoxious.

The people who turn the books back around (you didn’t think they turned themselves did you?) are the book store workers. Like me, jackass. It’s not the authors or the readers. I have enough tasks to occupy my time and I don’t need to spend twenty minutes rotating all of the Stephenie Meyer books back to their original position. Your passive aggressive actions cannot make you feel empowered, what is the point? There isn’t one.

I can see you being the type of person who has a lot of time on your hands. You would be bored and think to drive to the mall, remove every book in a section (say 200 books), then place them back on the shelf with the pages out instead of the spine out. I’m sure you’re unemployed. If I found out you had an interview I would take the day off and tell your interviewer about your fucked up past time. You hate a book/author. I get it. I hate people too, right now it’s you.

Is it some sort of cause? You want books you deem poorly written or inappropriate off the shelves? Turning the sex books around doesn’t make people not want to buy sex books. It makes booksellers swear like sailors and look around for someone to set on fire.

You want a cause? How about the destruction of the rainforest for fucks sake!? Honestly when was the last time you and your damn opinions thought about the rainforest? Look at how many question marks you are making me use. It’s fucking ridiculous. Think of all those tress and unknown species dying slow, painful deaths, you could care about that. In fact I don’t care what you decide to have opinions about, just do more than make my job harder.

I love it when people have strong opinions, like me on this subject, but really you’re going to use up all your angry energy to turn some books around? Hate Nicky Sparks and Stephi Meyer all you want. Write them a fucking letter, they don’t know you turn their books around. Organize a protest about shitty books, volunteer at a school and get kids to read quality books, have a hunger strike and don’t eat until your local book store removes all the titles you don’t like. Then you can die your own slow, painful death. Remember the rainforest?

In the meantime take your passive aggressive grumpy little hands off of the books and find something else to look do. 

Sincerely,

Tiffany (and Kelly)

Comments

***A few spoiler alerts for summer show finales, deal with it***

Dear producers and writers,

Let me just say that I was going to watch your show next season for sure. You didn’t have to “kill” main characters in the season finale. 

White Collar - I didn’t think you were going to have Neal get shot in his apartment. I figured that chick he was hanging out with was a good guy and you were building the suspense a little heavy handedly, but I wasn’t concerned. Even with the slow motion purse reaching. “OMG! What if she pulls out a gun!?” did not cross my mind. I wasn’t concerned because I thought you were better than that. Then you shot Mozzie. Why? I promise I will tune in next season, I was already going to watch the show. I like the show. I do not like senseless shooting of adorable sidekicks.

Rizzoli & Isles - You shot Rizzoli. Okay, Rizzoli shot herself. In a pretty badass way. It was very Die Hard 4. A little too Die Hard 4 to be honest. Enough sentence fragments. I was going to watch this show too. Miami is sooo over, I’m on to the Boston shows. I really liked this show, I thought it was a girlie cops show but my husband thought it was dark and creepy. I think it can be both and I adore it. I do not adore TWO characters being shot and dying in the finale. That’s right, I didn’t forget about the other Rizzoli you shot. One wasn’t enough, you have to pretend to kill of two characters. Of course the other Rizzoli is the title character’s little brother, he’s kind of an adorable sidekick.

Gossip Girl - Chuck? Really? You shot him in Prague or somewhere protecting the gorgeous engagement ring he bought for Blair. I know this isn’t a recent season finale, it’s from the Spring, but it still irritates me. I like Gossip Girl, don’t love it, it’s more of a guilty pleasure show. But I was planning on watching again. Don’t shoot people.

Here’s why:

We know the main characters you shot won’t die. Maybe they’ll be in the hospital. Maybe other characters will think they are dead and their true feelings will come out. But they won’t die.

Unless it’s Kal Penn going to work in DC. But suicide is different. And that episode sucked.

Prove me wrong and have these people die. Mozzie won’t get found and poor Neal will have another breakdown because everyone he loves is dying. Change Rizzoli & Isles to just Isles. Kate Gosline did it, screw the title character, so long as you have one of them you’re good to go. I already know Chuck lives. I wasn’t worried about him and I’m not worried about the other “fatalities”. It’s a stupid cliffhanger that we all see coming. Stop it.

Sincerely,

Kelly 

Comments

More little annoying people:

To: Money cougher

You were shopping in the store the other day and starting hacking up a lung in the middle of an aisle I was trying to walk down. I tried to avoid your bacteria cloud but I’m sure it was much larger than something I could walk around. Then you came to my register when you were ready to check out. You were still coughing, not into your elbow or over your shoulder or something, you were coughing into your hand. You then stuck that germ covered hand into your probably germ covered purse and handed me a wad of cash.

Use a handkerchief, or your elbow or something. I had to sanitize twice and I still have a sore throat. I blame you.

From: Kelly

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To: Headlight flasher

Again I’m driving home from work and the person in front of me was driving slowly. Not just going the speed limit (40 mph) when everyone else wants to go 45, but crawling. I think we hit a top speed of 27 as we coasted down a bit of a hill. You seem to be one of those people with a tenuous grasp of the fact that you aren’t the only car on the road. You understood that I was there, but not that there could be another car in front of me.

I drive a sedan, you were in an SUV, I know this because your headlights were way higher than my bumper. You have to have been able to see the car ahead of me. I even drove in the right side of the lane so you would know I wasn’t the one going half the speed limit. But you didn’t get it. Instead you decided to flash your brights at me. WTF? Of course I didn’t speed up, because there was A CAR IN FRONT OF ME! Then you turned off suddenly. I hope you got lost in the side neighborhood trying to cut around us. Jackass, I hate when people blame me for things I didn’t do.

From: Kelly

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To: Sneezy girl

I was writing at the Women’s Study Lounge at my university’s union last week. It’s a beautiful, quiet room, and it’s girls only. There are no group meeting spaces and if someone’s phone rings we all glare until that person leaves the room. Then there was you.

You sneezed.

Fine, no big deal, I know you can’t really control sneezes. Then you sneezed again. And again. I wanted you to get up and go to the bathroom to blow your nose. You were loud and people were looking. You could at least use your elbow to quiet the sound.

You sneezed again.

Then you laughed. Then some girl who either knew you or was equally annoying and stupid laughed too. Then you sneezed and you both giggled. I wanted to throw things at you. I was eyeing the lamp next to me, I think it would have made a lovely dent in your head.

Next time STFU and take care of shit like that. Reasonable people will leave a quiet room when they are noisy. Next time I’ll throw the lamp.

From:Kelly

Comments

Dear crabby neighbor,

Well, well, well, I thought I would have to search for an asshole for today’s letter, but you found me. Thanks?

I was mulching our new flowerbed when a police car rolled up and parked in front of my car. My car was parked in my front lawn inches from the street because we don’t have a wide street here. We also don’t have curbs or sidewalks. The officer asked if the car was mine and would I please move it into the driveway (where the pile of mulch was currently residing) because a neighbor had complained. Really?

He then asked if we had had someone come out to speak to us before regarding the parking situation. I said no and told him that we had a couple of parties and some officers had come by then about noise but had said nothing about parking. They also said we weren’t being too loud. 

I’m pretty sure you called about the noise/fight you said broke out that there was no evidence of because it didn’t happen. You are way too picky. My husband gives his co-worker a ride and he parks on the lawn so he doesn’t block me in. If this bothers you, come talk to me. I would say speaking to me is easier than speaking to the police, but you probably have their number on speed dial. You seem like that kind of person. I hate that kind of person.

But the cop seemed nice, so I pulled in the car and continued to landscape. Then I saw that the cop had driven down two houses and was talking to a group of people in the front lawn. I was too busy being irritated with you to worry about what they were in trouble for. It turns out they’re nice. The neighbor drove by to point out your house and say you were probably who called the police about all of this nonsense. He also told me that the police officer told him (hearsay, I know) we were not friendly and threw a lot of parties. WTF? We have lived here a year and had two parties.

Two.

We told the neighbors on both sides of us about the parties well before they happened. One set of neighbors came out to the party and enjoyed themselves. The neighbor who talked to the cop said we weren’t loud at all and he had noticed only one party.

You need to get a life. Loosen up a bit, take the “No No” dog pooping sign off your lawn and stop sweeping the street. Talk to us before calling the police. The car wasn’t on cinderblocks. We don’t have trash cluttering up the place. We cut down the dead tree and are making improvements. If we park on the street when we have people over it will drastically narrow the road. That seems unsafe to me, but if you would prefer it, fine.

If you keep up this behavior my friends are going to start volunteering to poop on your front lawn. I’ll be hard pressed to find a reason to stop them.

Sincerely,

Kelly

Comments

Dear Stephen King and Dean Koontz,

I shelve the horror section at work and generally I like you two. Sure King is way better than Koontz, but you both write horror as opposed to the vampire lust fest that is Laurell K. Hamilton. I’ve read your books and have seen the movies, I couldn’t watch “Scrubs” when it first came out because Dr. Cox still scared the shit out of me from his stint in “Intensity”. I guess I’m trying to say I like what you do.

I even own some books. My mom is trying to get me all of the Stephen King books. She buys them at thrift stores and flea markets and the old school dust jackets are great. Since I own these books and I’m generally described as cheap, it’s safe to say other people own them too. Which mean you guys have money. With all of the movie deals you have loads of money. I believe “shit tons” is the technical term.

And now you’re greedy. You have both started re-releasing books. I’ve shelved the section for a little over a year. First came the 2010 edition of “Danse Macabre” by Stephen King. You had added a new forward. Okay, cool. I didn’t have any versions of the book, mass market ($7.99) or quality paperback ($14.99) so I happily put it on display and made sure one was on the shelf.

Then came “Cujo” for $4.99. It was a special price and of course it was printed on the spine, so I got to shelve two copies of the same book at different prices. People have enough trouble trying to determine if the content of the mass market and quality paperback is the same (hint: it is), why are you making it more difficult by having a cheaper mass market? 

Then you pulled out another “new” book, King. I got a hardcover and quality paperback, set to “hit the shelves” on the same day. The book was “On Writing” and the cover was black and white. I already had this book on the shelf. It has a creepy picture of a cellar door surrounded by dirt and flowers. I own this book. You put out another version, so I checked to see if it was a “new” edition with a bullshit 2010 introduction. Nope. How about a 2010 epilogue, maybe a little info on what you’re up to right now. Nope.

It had a new cover. That’s it. What the fuck? Now I have three copies of the SAME BOOK taking up room on the small amount of space I have allotted for horror. 

Koontz, don’t think you’re getting off easy. You are filling the shelves with “new” mass markets. We’ve got “Your Heart Belongs to Me” and “House of Thunder” in duplicate. “The Taking” is your newest. The book came out in 2004. Now I have it on the “new” mass market table and next to its “old” partner on the shelf because you felt the need to re-release it. AND to make matters worse you decided to not only change the cover art, but to make it in the large mass market size. These new books are slightly taller than the usual mass market books and $2 more expensive. Two dollars for a quarter inch of book. Your entire Frankenstein series is in tall mass market. I hate them.

Our shelves were made to fit the normal mass markets with ease. The tall ones fit, but don’t come off the shelf without a little effort. People have to tug at the spine to remove them from their place. The tugging pulls at the paper covering the spine. This paper rips. No one wants to spend $9.99 on a book with a torn cover, so we have damaged books we have to send back to the publisher. All because you two wanted more money on anniversary editions. You two (especially you, Stephen) write long books. Thick books. Tomes. Epics. You take up enough space on the shelves already. How about sticking with one style per book from now on.

And if you’re going to re-release something, write a new goddamn intro. It’s the least you can do.

Sincerely,
Kelly 

Comments